When I became disabled and my partner started taking care of me, our relationship changed. How do we rekindle our romance?

Dear Grace,

My partner of 21 years started being my caregiver when I became disabled a few years ago. I’m still disabled but improving slowly. While taking care of me he started thinking of me differently. I feel like I’m not the love of his life anymore. How do we rekindle our love for each other? We are both willing to do whatever we have to do.

– Not Giving Up, New Albany

Dear Not Giving Up,

While I can only imagine how difficult this journey has been for you, your question brought a smile to my face, nevertheless. It fills me with hope to see you and your partner so committed to do whatever it takes for each other, both as individuals and as a couple. 

Being on the same page and willing to do the work is the hard part. You know your relationship and situation best, Not Giving Up, but after reading your question, I think this lull you’re feeling might say more about your partner’s needs than how he feels about you. Here are a few suggestions to help him (and the both of you) find that loving feeling again. 

Connect him with other spousal caregivers. People who are caregivers for their spouses and long-term partners are more vulnerable to depression and other mental—and even physical—ailments. Anyone who has been a caregiver or a parent knows that we can become so focused on our loved ones’ needs that we end up neglecting our own well-being. Plus, caregivers can sometimes feel guilty for taking care of themselves or for struggling with their new role. If he’s not already in touch with a support system, offer to help put him in touch with some. Let him know that you appreciate all he’s done to take care of you, but you want to take care of him, too, and recognize that this can be hard on you both. 

Give him some me-time. Encourage him to build some time into his weekly routine to do something that feels entirely about him. We all need a little solo time to decompress, and returning to a favorite activity or much-loved outing with friends can help him connect with the life you both enjoyed before your circumstances changed. Whether it’s golf, regular trips to the gym, or beers with friends, some time to himself outside the house may allow him to recharge and appreciate the time he spends with you.  If your health and level of ability make it hard for him to leave you alone at home, try to problem-solve together to find a solution you’re both comfortable with. Perhaps there’s a friend or family member who can sit with you, or a neighbor nearby in case of an emergency. 

Make a FUN to-do list. I imagine that the last few years have come with a long list of things that you’ve had to do for your recovery. Now that you’re improving, I suggest that the two of you work on a wish list of things you want to do together and pick one or two to check off each week. Start with fun accessible things you can do now—a lunch out or coffee with friends. Then, as you continue to improve, you can tackle your more ambitious goals. Maybe you decide that by the end of next year, you want to go away for a whole weekend or work on a project together at home. Thinking of a future together can help you remember who you are as a couple and why you love being with each other and creating a list can help you break out of the routine. 

I have deep admiration for you both, Not Giving Up. Your love and dedication to each other is something we all search and hope for—real storybook stuff! Now that the early days of recovery are behind you, you both deserve some fun and romance. I know if anyone can find it again, it’s you two. 

With love and hope,

Grace