A customer service rep wanted to use my bathroom, but he looked dirty. Can I tell him no?

Dear Grace,

A customer service rep who came to fix my TV wanted to use my home bathroom…he wasn’t very clean-looking. My home is small, but I keep it very nice and clean. I really didn’t want to let him use my bathroom, but I wasn’t sure how to say no. What do you think?

– Tidy & Neat from Nebraska

Dear Tidy & Neat,

As a fellow cleanliness enthusiast, I relate to this one! I keep my bathroom sparkling and hate to have my hard work trampled all over. I typically go shoes-off in my house, and even after many years, it can feel awkward to set that boundary when I have people over. Saying “no” or sharing your house rules can be tricky, especially when you’re dealing with a total stranger. Here are some suggestions if you ever find yourself in the same situation again:

Setting boundaries, especially with someone you don’t know, is awkward.

As women, we’ve always been taught to be polite, accommodating, and agreeable—sometimes at the expense of our own comfort and instincts. So let me start by saying: your hesitation makes total sense. This situation is a great example of where two important values—your personal boundaries and your compassion for someone—might gently bump up against each other. On the one hand, it’s essential to identify what you’re comfortable with and to practice voicing that clearly and confidently. That’s a muscle we should all be working to strengthen. But on the other hand, when it comes to something as basic and human as needing a bathroom, I’d encourage you to think twice before saying no. You can say no, but in this case, try pushing yourself to reconsider!

The compassionate choice isn’t always the most comfortable choice.

We have all accepted a little discomfort in order to make the kinder choice…from offering your seat on the bus to a pregnant person to taking on extra chores when your partner is under the weather. In this case, I’d encourage you to accept the discomfort of having someone who’s had a busy (and maybe messy) day use your restroom in order to offer them some relief. 

Many service workers—especially those on the road all day—don’t have reliable access to restrooms. Lack of public restrooms is a real problem for not only customer service workers, but delivery drivers, bus drivers, and even emergency workers like EMTs. A couple of years ago, Amazon delivery drivers sued their employer for enacting such harsh quotas that they had to urinate in plastic water bottles on the road. Can you imagine? Offering your bathroom, even briefly, can be a small act of care that makes a big difference. 

Find a compromise.

If cleanliness is still top of mind (which I completely understand), you can find a compromise that feels right to you. For instance, kindly ask the worker to remove their shoes before stepping inside. Keep a bathroom rug you don’t mind washing, or give the sink a quick wipe after. A bit of dirt can be cleaned—but a moment of generosity stays with someone long after they’ve left your door. Boundaries and kindness can live side by side. You don’t have to choose between them.

Thanks for your honest and thoughtful question, Tidy & Neat. You’re clearly someone who cares deeply—about your home, and about doing the right thing. Keep practicing that boundary-setting muscle, and remember: there’s strength in both “no” and “yes,” when they speak to your values and the person you want to be..

With care,

Grace