Am I a terrible daughter for considering putting my parents in a home?

Dear Grace,

I normally am not the type to write in to this kind of thing, but I’m really torn. My parents are in their late 70s and are needing more help than they have before, and I’m the only one of my siblings who lives nearby. The issue is that I’m a single working mom and simply don’t have the time to be there for them all the time. My siblings know that our parents are slowing down and appreciate what I do, but they don’t do anything to help. I know as time goes on, it’s only going to get harder. Recently, I did some research on retirement communities for them, but I felt so guilty about the idea of putting them in a home. How do I take care of my aging parents all by myself?

– Guilty in Oakdale

Dear Guilty,

It sounds like you and your parents are sandwiched between a rock and a hard place, and you aren’t the only ones.

Millions of Americans are currently living in nursing homes and assisted living communities, which means millions of concerned adult children like you are trying to find the best way to care for their aging parents. Still, I can understand feeling guilty—your parents provided for you and your siblings, worked hard, and deserve to be cared for and supported as they get older. But with the very real expenses and very limited options out there, it’s not easy. 

Let’s also pause to recognize an important truth: It’s nearly impossible to care for three young kids, two seniors, and YOURSELF while working and do all the other things that need doing. Even Wonder Woman would be calling a timeout, this is just too much to rest on your shoulders alone.

So, let’s dig into this and find some solutions together:

Assess. Before you can find a solution that works for all of you (because elder care is a team endeavor), figure out your main concerns. Pause and ask yourself a few key questions to pinpoint what needs to change. 

1. What are you willing and able to do for your parents on a regular basis and what is stretching you too thin? 
2. When you think about the future, what are your biggest concerns for your parents’ care? 
3. What have your parents said they want to do in terms of health care as they age? Do they want to stay in their home, move to assisted living, or are they hoping to move in with one of their kids?

Do some research. Take 45 minutes at the computer to learn about options for care in your community. Use this link from the Administration for Community Living to figure out what benefits your parents might be eligible for, what resources you can access in your community, and how much they cost. You may have been leaving money on the table without even realizing it. 

Your parents aren’t the only ones who might qualify for support—you could be eligible for paid family leave as a caregiver now or in the future, based on your state and your parents’ needs. As it stands, each state decides whether and how to support family leave policies but the fact remains that anyone could find themselves being a caregiver for a loved one. And we all deserve the chance to show up for our families when they need us. 

Call a family meeting. Part of your guilt comes from feeling responsible for your parents’ wellbeing, which isn’t exactly fair. Make it clear to your siblings that they need to be part of this discussion and provide support, not just a pat on the back. Share what you’ve learned, ask mom and dad what they think, and get your siblings to identify real ways they can help out. Decide how you’re going to manage things now and look ahead to the next 3, 5, even 10 years. There’s no place for guilt when you all come up with a plan together. 

I hope these suggestions soothe any remaining guilt. You are a committed, loving daughter (and mom!) trying to do right by your parents, so give yourself some grace. Whether they say it aloud or not, I know they must deeply appreciate all you do. 

– Grace