Am I out of line for not wanting to follow the “rules” at my boyfriend’s parents’ house?

Dear Grace,

My hopefully-future-mother-in-law won’t let my boyfriend and I sleep in the same bed at her house, even though we’ve been living together for a year. We don’t visit his hometown much, but we’re planning a trip next month and I’m nervous about how it will go. I feel like she doesn’t respect our relationship. We’ve never talked about it with her and I’m not sure how to address it. Is it just her-house-her-rules?

– Shamed in Schnecksville

Dear Shamed,

I was in a very similar situation when I first met my husband and can empathize with how you might be feeling—frustrated, confused, maybe a little judged? Figuring out the sleeping arrangements at each other’s parents’ house can be downright awkward, but don’t worry, I’ve got some tips to help you out. 

There are two basic truths about your situation: 

Number 1: At the end of the day, when you’re a guest in someone’s home, you have to play by their rules. Remember that old saying, “when in Rome, do like the Romans do?” Welcome to Rome.  

Number 2: Neither of you have to accept a situation that makes you uncomfortable. You are totally within your right to find an alternative that works for you. Here’s how: 

Pass the mic to your boyfriend. When it comes to in-laws (present or future), it’s almost always better to let the direct relative do the talking. Your boyfriend has a lifetime of experience with his mom and likely understands her concerns better than you do. Get on the same page about your preferred sleeping arrangements and then let him do the negotiating.

Understand her perspective. Building a strong relationship, particularly one that is life-long, requires taking the time to understand each other, even especially when you disagree. Is she concerned because you aren’t married yet? It’s very possible that she can’t relate to your choice to live together before marriage, and that’s okay. You don’t have to agree on everything to have respect for each other. 

Try and understand what makes this such a big issue for her—she may have religious concerns, want to keep to tradition, or maybe it’s hard for her to watch her son grow up and make his own choices. You might still disagree on who can sleep where, but you’ll be able to appreciate where she’s coming from, and not take her objection so personally.  

Find other options. Here’s a question to ask yourself: Is the two of you sleeping in separate beds for a couple nights a deal breaker? If so, try to come up with some options that you can tolerate. Consider booking a hotel or Airbnb, staying with a friend of his who lives in town, or potentially turn your visit into more of a day trip. It may cost a little more depending on what you choose, but if it makes spending time with future-MIL more comfortable, it’s worth it. 

No matter what, it’s important to remember that you’re (almost) family, and these little hiccups are just part of life. I’m sending you all my love and best wishes for a fun, not-at-all-stressful visit. Let us know how it goes!

<3 Grace