Am I right to skip my MIL’s Christmas party after what she gave me last year?

Dear Grace,

My MIL gave me deodorant, baby powder, and candles for Christmas last year while everyone else received things from Kay Jewelers and Victoria’s Secret. DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’M GRATEFUL THAT I RECEIVED ANYTHING!! She doesn’t have to buy me anything. But I felt like an idiot sitting there in front of the family opening deodorant while they were opening $1500 worth of jewelry each. Am I wrong for not wanting to go to her Christmas party this year?

– Bewildered in Boise

Dear Bewildered,

No, you’re not wrong for not wanting to go this year. Our feelings are our feelings and if I had felt slighted like you did, it wouldn’t fill me with a lot of enthusiasm to deck her halls again, either. Having said that, skipping her party isn’t going to change what happened, or improve any underlying issues in your relationship. Instead, it’ll probably cause more tension, especially for your partner and their family. 

I know that may not be the answer you’re hoping to hear. Before you start thinking I’m a Grinch, here are some suggestions to help you get through her party without breaking your holiday spirit. 

Try not to let one interaction define your relationship. 

My hunch is that this isn’t the only time you’ve had tension with your MIL. However, if I’m wrong and this behavior feels out of character for her, it may just be a case of a bad gift choice (and we’ve all been there). If so, it wouldn’t be right to let one mistake define your relationship with her. Even if last year’s incident was part of a pattern of behavior, skipping the party a year later might feel like you’re dredging up an old conflict and could make it hard to improve the relationship (not to mention, enjoy your holiday).

Take the high road. 

When I first got married, my relationship with my MIL was rocky, to say the least. While I certainly felt hurt at times, I decided that I wanted to show up in a way that I could always be proud of, no matter how she responded. Think of it like playing on a sports team in high school and being expected to represent your school positively at away games, even in the face of bad sportsmanship from the home team. As you know, the only behavior you can control is your own. If she keeps playing favorites or being passive-aggressive with gifts, continue to be the gracious person you’ve already proven yourself to be. It’s only one day out of 365.

Talk to your spouse. 

How does your partner feel about this? When it comes to in-laws, I’ve always found that the key to happy, healthy relationships is letting each spouse be in charge of their own parents. If your MIL is being unkind, it’s your partner’s place to address it with her. Your spouse might say, “I noticed that your gift for my wife was different from the rest, was that on purpose?” If it’s part of a series of incidents your partner could say, “It seems like you’re unhappy with my wife. Did something happen? Can we talk about this and try to fix it?” As your partner and her child, your spouse has more insight into how both of you are feeling and can help bridge the gap between you. 

Plan a special tradition for you. 

Even with your spouse running interference and your refreshed mindset, doing a gift exchange with your mother-in-law may not be at the top of your list of best ways to spend Christmas. That’s totally understandable, Bewildered, and I think a lot of us can relate. But since bowing out of the festivities feels like more trouble than it’s worth, plan a separate holiday tradition with your spouse for the two of you to enjoy. Knowing that you have something fun and special waiting for you can make it easier to hold onto your patience and perspective while you’re sitting around MIL’s tree. 

Joining someone’s family is a privilege, but it’s not always easy, Bewildered. It might take you all a few years to really “get” each other, so don’t get discouraged before you’ve really even started! I know the holidays can kick tensions into high gear, but I’m confident that you can get through this season with Grace. 

With love and support,

Grace