Am I wrong for wishing my son had (a) Plan B?
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Dear Grace,
My 24-year-old son has been dating a woman now for a few months, and just called to tell me she’s pregnant. He’s overwhelmed and stressed (putting it lightly) because he feels he isn’t ready to become a father. He travels a lot in his job, and was hoping to get his master’s degree one day. He says they always took all the precautions, but here we are. The girlfriend is thinking she’ll continue the pregnancy, but is also feeling uncertain. I raised a good man, and I know that he will do the right thing. But still, it hurts to see my son feeling so scared and conflicted. How can I help support him?
– Devastated in Detroit
Dear Devastated:
Whether it’s on the playground or in a situation like this, it’s never easy to watch our children make mistakes or struggle to navigate a tough decision.
First, I’ll offer a reminder that 40% of U.S. births are to unmarried partners, a number that continues to climb, for better or for worse, making this an evermore common and shameless topic of conversation as well as lived experience.
Now to answer your overarching question, whether you’re wrong to be concerned for your son, my answer is no. The mixed bag of emotions you’re feeling right now isn’t wrong, it’s part of being human (and definitely part of being a mom). Rather than fighting them, embrace the contradictions and explore what’s underneath. Leaning into the complexities of life is one way to learn from the curveballs it throws at us.
With that said, the rest of your question seems to be pulling on two threads: protecting your son and offering support.
Here is my advice, Devastated.
Make it clear you’ve got their backs. If you haven’t already, tell your son that you are there for him if and when he needs anything. Once you’ve made that clear, you’ve got to walk the walk by standing by them even if they make decisions that aren’t necessarily ones you’d make. Support can come in all shapes and sizes, but I find the most valuable (and sometimes the hardest to give) is a non-judgmental ear.
Support all options. Your son and his girlfriend are undoubtedly working through their options, including to have a baby (together or as co-parents), explore adoption, or pursue an abortion. This is a lot for them to hold. Ask him if they’ve explored all their options and be ready to share relevant resources if he asks for help. Not sure where to start? Try these links to learn about resources for pregnant women, adoption, and abortion.
Stick to the sidelines. Once you’ve made it clear that you’re available to help and you’ve shared what you’ve found, take a seat. Trust that you prepared your son to make the right decisions for himself and to know when to ask for help. Until you’re asked to jump back in, your work here is done.
Whatever decision they ultimately make will be the best one for them. One of the toughest parts of parenting is watching our children make mistakes. Alternately, one of the most rewarding parts is being there as they triumph over their challenges.
Recent studies show that the happiness of new parents depends largely on the level of support they receive, both from family and from society as a whole. You may have family support covered, but American parents are already facing an uphill climb thanks to our lack of paid family leave and childcare policies that make it possible for them to, well, parent.
I’m sure both your son and his girlfriend are wading through lots of feelings and worries as they figure out how to move forward, but I’m even more sure they’re already better off with your priority being their happiness and wellbeing.
I sincerely hope this helps,
<3 Grace