Ask The Readers: How can I build a better relationship with my adult children?

Dear Readers,

How can I build a better relationship with my children? They’re grown and live in another state.

– Missing Them in CT

Dear Missing Them,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

I’ve gotten hundreds of questions like this from other mothers who are navigating the changing role of “mom” now that the kids are all grown up and leading lives of their own. Parenting is hard and beautiful at every stage, and this one is no exception. There are any number of things that could be holding you and your kids back from the relationship you want. It could be physical distance and the challenges of living several states away. Maybe you’re feeling emotional distance caused by some unresolved hurts or just the way that life and work can get in the way of actually connecting with each other. 

No matter what kind of distance you may be grappling with, our community had wonderful advice to share:

Pick up the phone.

• “Plan visits when you can, but in the meantime FaceTime, phone calls, letters, and casual texts will keep you connected. Try to have a positive attitude when speaking to them.” 
• “Make contact every day, even if it’s sending a picture or a funny text. Ask one-liner questions or what they ate for breakfast. If it becomes a great routine, have them share one special thing that happened to them each week, you will learn more about them, and then they will look forward to hearing from you, too!!!”
• “Ask about their work, hobbies, and friends and really listen! Give your advice when they ask for it, but keep any judgment to yourself. Remind them that you love them no matter what.”

Respect and understand their feelings.

• “I want you to really think about why the space exists between you and your kids in the first place. Is there something majorly important to them that you dismissed? If you can think of anything, maybe offer a gentle apology and tell them you love them, that you didn’t understand their point of view. Maybe you still don’t, but you can accept that it’s different and offer them your love anyhow.”
• “As a woman with an adult child and as an adult daughter myself, I think the key is the same no matter which generation you are in. I feel that making the other person feel seen and heard is important. Not that you must agree on much, but respect each other’s ideas and thoughts. Respect is always the first step.”
• “Do what you can to connect but don’t get upset if they don’t reciprocate right away. I know that when they need me, they’ll come to me but I don’t guilt them into anything.”

Show up, however you can.

• “A great way to start is sharing some of the little things that you remember, like things that they cherished as kids or even now. Take a picture and send it to show them that they are still in your heart, no matter the distance of miles or time. Find joy in collecting a memento like that for you both to have in each other’s homes as a token. I’ll never forget when my little sister and mom sent me a box of rocks from another state because they know how much I love rock picking. No note, card, nothing. Just her address and a box of rocks. It was great.” 
• “Even though my middle child who is 35 lives close to me, it feels at times like she lives on the other side of the moon. To keep our conversations going and to get her input, I leave her little notes here and there about how I’m thinking about her and how I understand how busy she is right now, considering the young ages of her boys. They are in fourth and fifth grade. She and her husband both work full-time during the day and I just want to let her know by dropping these little notes to her that I remember those days and I understand why she’s not able just to drop what she’s doing on the weekends and come over and spend the whole day with me. I don’t fault her for wanting to spend the little time she has with her family and it makes it easier for us to talk when we do get a chance.”
• “The best and most simple answer is just be there when they ask. Reach out frequently, respect their distance and just let them know you’re always there if they need a hug or somewhere to go. You gave them wings, let them fly.”

What all of your fellow readers agreed on, Missing Them, is that there is nothing better than real, face-to-face connection, and to plan visits and time together as often as you can. When we look back on our lives, the time spent with loved ones is never a waste. I hope this helps you take a step towards the relationship you’re looking for with your kids.

Love,

Grace and the Readers