Ask The Readers: How do I support my friend who lost her husband?

Dear Readers,

What’s the best way to support and show love to a friend who has suddenly lost her husband? I want to help, especially during the winter months, but I’m not sure what to do.

– Unsure in Missouri

Dear Unsure,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. 

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My heart goes out to you and your friend. Losing your partner suddenly is one of the hardest things a person can go through, and wanting to be there for her shows how much you care. I know you want to do the right thing, and it can feel scary not knowing exactly what that is. Grief is a natural and healthy part of being human, even though sometimes it can be messy or uncomfortable. 

The good news is that our readers have walked this road before, both as the friend who shows up and as the one who needs support. Here are some of the suggestions that women from across the country submitted:

Show Up and Be Present

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be there. Your friend needs to know she’s not alone, especially when everyone else has gone back to their normal lives.

• “First, tell your friend you know that nothing you say or do can take away her pain. This can reassure her that she doesn’t need to feel better right away and takes the weight off of you for ‘saying the right thing.’ Tell her that you love her and will be there for her. Watch TV with her, sit with her, eat with her. She might not feel up to much, and that’s okay. Just do the ‘boring’ stuff with her.”
• “Just show up with food. You don’t even have to say anything, just exude love.”
• “Listen! That is the most important thing anyone can do. Listen to their fondest memories, and if she can’t think, then offer one you remember and then listen. When I was in her shoes, I didn’t want anyone to fix anything or try to make me feel better. Just be there.”
• “I, too, have a friend who lost her husband. The important thing is to just stay connected. Show that after everyone has gone home and back to their daily lives, you will always be available to show up by keeping in touch. That can be a phone call, popping in to say hello, sending a note, or just texting or taking the person out for a walk or coffee. Showing ongoing consistent love and letting the person know that you are available is the best medicine for comfort. Let them talk, and you listen.”

Take Care of Practical Tasks

Grief can make even simple everyday tasks feel impossible. One thing you can do to help right now is take on some of her chores and practical tasks without waiting to be asked.

• “As a widow, frozen meals were a huge help. One friend came over and cleaned my house. Another removed all of the hospice items and medical care items from my house. One helped plan a memorial service. Practical help was what I needed.”
• “Let your friend know that it is OK to be sad, overwhelmed, or angry. Be there to do the things she doesn’t feel up to doing right now – like take out the trash, putting away holiday decorations, caring for children, and getting the oil changed in the car. Don’t ask what you can do – be intuitive and proactive. Notice a need and take care of it.”
• “Don’t offer to clean for her, just do it. Jump in and wipe down the bathroom while you are in there. Finish up the dishes, do a quick sweep, or vacuum up a bit. Grief can be paralyzing, so instead of asking what you can do to help, just jump in with chores around the house.”

Follow Her Lead When She’s Ready

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and it doesn’t ever fully go away. Your friend’s grief will evolve over time. As she learns to live with it, pay attention to what she needs, and keep her company through the lonely parts.

• “When she’s ready, take her out to dinner, or have her over for dinner and cook her favorite meal. Do a spa day, or a massage and lunch. Find out her favorite things and go from there.“
• “Art became my therapy during a dark time of loss. Perhaps a good hobby can help her through hers. Maybe you can find some new projects or hobbies to do together that can help her and bring your friendship even closer.”
• “When she’s ready, help get her out of the house. Find out if she needs laughter outside and a night out or if she’d like to have company over, low-key with just her closest friends. Host game night, join a book club with her, ask if she’s interested in doing something once a week…Find a way to get her out of the house and not alone with lots of laughter and love. She might even cry…let her! You can even cry with her.”

Sometimes, when people go through a crisis, we don’t know what to say or do, so we end up saying nothing. This can make the person going through the crisis feel even more alone. It’s not your fault that you’re not sure how to support her, our society doesn’t have much of a rulebook for this sort of thing. But even though there’s no perfect thing to say or do, you can make a big difference in her life by showing up and trying anyway. Your friend is lucky to have someone who cares enough to ask how to be there for her. Trust your heart, follow her lead, and don’t disappear when things get hard or awkward. That’s when she’ll need you most.

Love,

Grace and the Readers