Ask The Readers: Is it wrong to want to be alone?

Dear Readers,

Is it wrong to want to be in a healthy relationship with myself? I just feel like I’m meant to be alone.

– “Meh” in San Antonio

Dear “Meh,”

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

We got hundreds of answers and the vast majority of the readers who wrote in agree: there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be single. Our readers support your desire to focus on yourself! Here is some of my favorite advice from readers who wrote in:

A healthy relationship with yourself comes first.

Sometimes women stay single because they are afraid to put themselves out there, others stay single because they genuinely enjoy being alone. If you’re not sure which you are, readers say that focusing on self-love is a good strategy either way:

• “It’s okay to want to be alone, you should never feel pressured to be in a relationship with a significant other. We are all on our own journey and you’ll know when you are ready, if ever, for a romantic relationship. Please don’t worry about what’s “right” or “wrong,” just think about why you feel this way and then focus on self-love, healing traumas, and growing.”
• “I too am alone, and happy in it. There is nothing wrong with being alone, so long as you’re not isolating yourself out of fear of not being enough. Build up your self-love and you’ll know what you want.”
• “Valuing yourself and being your own best friend is extremely important.”
• “Be alone until you meet the one. If you never meet the one, just do you.”

Choosing to stay single long-term is perfectly healthy. 

If you decide that you don’t ever want to be in a romantic relationship, that is a completely valid choice. Even if it feels like everyone around you is in a couple, there are plenty of women who are happy to be single:

• “I have been a widow for 16 years now. I don’t want a relationship again. I want my own space! I can do things when I want to do them. I miss my husband dearly. But I like my life.”
• “All of us are not meant to be in relationships. Society has made it seem like not having a significant other is not normal – wrong!  I’m in the same situation as you.  I’ve been in loving relationships with other people in the past and now I choose to be alone. I feel happier alone. I don’t have to hear nobody telling me what to do.  I can go anywhere and I don’t have to worry about letting anyone know what I’m doing. The bottom line is it makes me happy to be by myself.”
• “Our culture over-romanticizes romance. It’s not for everyone all the time. You are completely normal for not wanting a sexual/romantic relationship with someone. You can have the most beautiful, intimate relationships with just friends and that is perfectly fine. Maybe you will want to later or maybe you will feel like this forever. Just always be working towards your better self (also it might help you to look into aromantic/asexuality).”  

Alone but not lonely.

Even the biggest introverts wrote in advising you not to isolate. Readers suggest that you go out with friends and family and invest in other relationships:

• “There is no law that says you have to be in a relationship, but don’t miss out on the joy of friendship and companionship.”
• “I love to look at the calendar and see weeks of open days! My time is my own. Gauge your mood to see what the best amount of time alone is for you. After 10 days I need some human interaction. But a pleasant drive to get groceries is enough to perk me up for more solitude.”  
• “All humans have an innate desire for a sense of belonging and connection. However, friendships, clubs/groups/community/religion are also options. Building more meaningful connections with other human beings around you will help you enjoy your alone time that much more.”
• “Find friends who are also single! It helps to have people in your life who get it.”

No matter your reasons, prioritizing building a healthy relationship with yourself is always a good idea. It isn’t unhealthy or bad if you don’t want to be in a romantic relationship right now (or ever!)—despite what we’ve seen in countless rom-com movies! As you go on your healing journey, know that this community is supporting and cheering you on.

With Love,

Grace and the Readers