Ask The Readers: My adult daughter doesn’t speak to me. How can I heal our relationship?

Dear Grace,

My daughter is 44.  She doesn’t communicate with me.  She keeps me from seeing my grandchildren.  That is very hard for me.  Are there other women out there with a similar problem?  Would they be willing to share and if they have reconciled with their adult child, would they share the how? I miss her so much and am ready to do what it takes to reconnect.

– Mom in Music City

Dear Mom in Music City,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Family estrangement isn’t talked about much, but it’s extremely common and something that I get questions about all too often. Did you know that 1 in 4 Americans are estranged from an immediate family member? Hundreds of readers who have been or are currently in your situation wrote in with advice—you are not alone.

Estrangement never feels good, but sometimes it is the right choice for folks experiencing ongoing abuse or harm. However, other cases of estrangement between loved ones come from misunderstandings or conflicts that, though they’ve gotten out of hand, can eventually be resolved. I hear that you are ready to do what it takes to heal your relationship. Here is some advice from readers on how to move forward:

Listen to her feelings and take steps towards understanding.

The best way to understand her point of view is to listen. If she is open to speaking with you, set a time to chat. She may need to share the ways that she feels she’s been hurt, or she may not be ready to go there yet. No matter how the conversation goes, try to listen and ask questions instead of pushing for answers or defending yourself. If she is not open to talking right now, let her know the door is always open.

• “I would suggest having a conversation with her if she is open to it. If she is not open to it, don’t push it. Prepare to listen to her reasons for choosing to distance herself without interrupting, without defending yourself, and without playing victim or crying the minute it gets uncomfortable. Once you have done so, ask how you guys should move forward and respect the new boundaries that she puts in place.”
• “My mom and sister are in a similar situation. The one thing I’d say helped them was that my mom extended the olive branch and allowed my sister the space to reach out or not. I understand this may be hard and might even hurt, but it is her choice to be involved or not. My mom had to do the same. She called my sister and left an open-ended invite to dinner when she was ready to talk. It took my sister a while, but after about a month, she accepted. They went to dinner alone, just the two of them, when my sister was ready. Things weren’t fixed after just one dinner, but that communication was an awesome starting point for them.”
• “Have a serious one-on-one conversation with her. Validate her reason for needing a break from you, listen, and let her know that you are willing to change your story to be in her life and your grandchildren’s. Time heals eventually if you sow respect and put in the work.”

Learn from your mistakes and show her how you’ve grown.

At the end of the day, all you can control is you. So take a long look in the mirror and think about what you brought to the relationship that could have led to this. Owning your part in the distance between you doesn’t mean that it’s “all your fault” but chances are, you’ve contributed to the strain in your relationship and healing will require making some changes. We are all doing the best we can, and sometimes we make mistakes. What matters is how we learn and grow from those mistakes.

• “If you want any chance at repairing your relationship with your daughter, acknowledging any wrongdoing on your part is critical. No excuses, admit you were wrong when you did x y z and didn’t realize it would have lasting impacts on her. Tell her you’re sorry and mean it.  Don’t let it be empty words.  Be prepared to prove you’re for real.” 
• “First off, you need to know what it was that put a strain on your relationship in the first place. Then own your mistakes first. She may never own her mistakes, and you need to be ok with that and move on. If you can do this, then you’re on your way back into your daughter’s life!”
• “If I were you, I would talk to a counselor whom you can share the entire situation with. Maybe your daughter has legitimate reasons for the no contact. A counselor could help you work on those things so you can show your daughter you’ve put in the work.”

Show her love by respecting her boundaries. 

We all need to be shown love in different ways. Some people need space and time to heal. Some people need a phone call to remind them they are loved. How does your daughter want to be supported? Maybe she needs reminder texts that she is loved, or maybe she needs you to not contact her for a while.

• “All you can truly do is give it time. Let her know you respect her boundaries and that when she’s ready, you will be there. Let her know that you love her. It will all work out.”
• “You might need to just leave her alone. As much as that will hurt, just let her be. Down the line, she’s gonna need you one day. When that day comes, just be there for her. If you keep trying, she might keep pulling back.” 
• “Hi, fellow reader. I am actually a daughter who used to be in a similar situation. My mother was absent for a pivotal point in my life…when she returned, I was so hurt that I didn’t entertain the idea of us being close. This was in 2019. Fast forward to 2022, my mother’s heart was failing, and I decided to let go of my hurt and see her. She received a new heart, told me how this was another chance for her to get closer to me, and this is the closest we have ever been. She never held it against me when I needed space. She never gave up. I believed for so long that neither of my parents really wanted me, but she has shown me that she’s always been here and has always loved me. The best advice I can give is, please don’t give up. I know it hurts if she ignores your effort, and I regret my actions for some of the things I did. But if your situation is reconcilable, please don’t give up. She just wants to believe you love her.”

Hundreds of readers wrote in saying they were in your exact same position, Mom from Music City. Working through conflict and reconnecting with an estranged child is hard work, but as a mom, you are no stranger to hard work. I know you have what it takes to find the right path forward because you are willing to do what it takes for your daughter. As a mom, I am sending you love. 

Best Wishes, 

Grace and the Readers