BONUS! How do I heal my relationship with my parents?

Dear Grace,

I have been going to trauma-focused therapy for my childhood and it has really been helping. I’m learning in therapy that two things can be true: my parents raised us when they were just teenagers themselves and they did the best with the tools they had AND it wasn’t a great childhood. I’m hoping for a closer relationship with them moving forward, especially now as a mom who wants her child to know his grandparents and for them to be a safe place for him to go. How do I talk to my parents about my mental health journey? How do I mend our relationship?

– Anxious but Hopeful, Atlanta

Hello again Anxious,

Your question provoked so many responses from people who have stood on your side and on your parents’ side of a family rift. Life and family, as you well know, is messy, and there isn’t one “perfect” way to go about fixing things. What counts, your fellow readers say, is having the courage and empathy in your heart to try. 

Here is some of their advice for how to approach this new chapter with your folks:

Focus on empathy.

“I was that parent. I made so many mistakes that now, looking back, I can’t believe I was that person. If your parents can see and acknowledge what they did was wrong and can accept responsibility, I believe you could forgive them. Don’t come at them in an accusatory way, instead start from a place of understanding that they were young and did what they were either taught or just weren’t capable of doing any other way and you forgive them. Share that you want them to be able to be grandparents to your children. This should open them up to start the conversation. Be patient, they may remember things differently from you. If it doesn’t work out the way you wanted it to, you can always say you tried and don’t beat yourself up about it. It may not happen immediately, but you have given them the chance to think about what you said. I hope this gives you some perspective., Remember,remember forgiveness does not mean you forget, but you need to forgive for yourself.

“Mending relationships is very difficult, it depends on their behavior and what mental issues that they have or haven’t confronted. Even though they were teens, they probably had things they didn’t confront. So it’s important to go into talking to them with an open mind, boundaries set, and an understanding that sometimes things can’t be fixed.”

“I am an adult daughter of addicts who are in recovery now, but growing up it was very difficult. In my early twenties, I learned how to forgive somebody who did not ask for forgiveness and that set me free and opened my heart to love and empathy and away from anger and resentment. I very much appreciate the empathy you have in your situation, as I have also considered what my parents were going through in their upbringing to bring them to the point of drug addiction. Given that you already have a loving and empathetic heart towards the situation, best of luck to you and many blessings.”

Stay on your healing journey.

“Heal! Heal for your growth, for your success, your happiness and peace! Therapy is the key when you feel that you can’t handle it anymore. You’re not alone, there is always someone who will listen and help you!” 

“Forgiving is the best healing for your own heart. Focus on the love that you have in your own heart for yourself, the present moment and love yourself as much as you can.”

Focus on what you can control.

“No matter what decision you make, you always run the risk of someone being upset. Always do what’s best for you and live in your truth because either way it goes people will have something to say. You have to have that strength to be able to walk alone in this world and trust that God will always surround you with the right people even when you don’t notice. Bless you in everything you’re trying to accomplish. I’ve been there and it’s hard but it gets easier after the first leap.”

“I love to hear your desire to mend things with your parents so your child can also have that relationship with them! Remember to take small steps and that what you envision might not be what they can offer. You only have control of what you do with situations in front of you, not control of others.”

“Take things slowly. Try to encourage new, improved attitudes and actions by your parents.  Show them by example how you expect your parents to treat you and your son. And that you will not continue to spend time with them if they ignore the boundaries that you have set.”

We are all rooting for you and hope that you feel less anxious and more hopeful as you work through things with your family. At the end of the day, remember that your healing–both for your own sake and for your son–is already an incredible success. No matter how your parents respond or the direction your relationship takes, give yourself some grace and know that we support you!

Love, 

Grace and the Readers