BONUS! How do I talk to my middle schooler about the immigration raids and how they might impact his best friend?

Dear Grace,

I am someone who always looks out for the people around me…my family, my neighbors. My son is my whole world, and he and his best friend, Hector, are inseparable. Hector’s parents immigrated here a few years ago, and we’ve gotten to know each other since the boys became so close. Making friends as a mom can be hard, but Hector’s family has always been so welcoming…and they know their way around a barbecue! 

I have no idea what their immigration status is, and it feels rude to ask, but I’m just worried that something could happen and Hector could be impacted. They shouldn’t be targeted. He is such a sweet kid. It’s not fair that they have to live in fear. I care about the whole family, and the idea of my son losing his best friend just breaks my heart.

My son and Hector are in 6th grade. How should I talk to my son about this?

– Trying To Be a Good Mama in Texas

Hello again, Trying To Be a Good Mama,

You wrote in asking for help talking to your son about his best friend, Hector, and how the immigration raids might impact Hector and his family. It’s true that many children are being impacted by the immigration raids – whether they are being detained themselves or being separated from their families. It’s not right and it’s not fair. As moms, it’s hard to know how to talk to our kids about the painful possibility of losing a best friend. But talking to your son is a powerful parenting moment, and you don’t have to be an expert in what’s going on to know that Hector and his family need extra love and support right now.

I shared your question and my advice to you with thousands of women across the country. Social media may lead us to believe that any conversation about this topic ends with an argument, but women from all over brought their perspectives with respect, compassion, and empathy. As moms, we don’t always know how to talk to our kids about the pain our communities are experiencing, but the readers and I all agree that we need to be brave and have those hard conversations anyway.

Here is some more advice from readers all over the U.S. who are struggling with the same concerns:

This is an opportunity to teach your son values like bravery, compassion, and kindness.

• “Like Grace said, be honest with your son. Make sure he knows what ‘nationality’ means. Then explain that not everyone gets the freedom that you do. Tell him ‘we don’t judge’ and ‘we are proud of you’ for not judging, because not everyone feels the same way. There is a lot of hate out there, but you can raise him better than that.”
• “I am saddened by what has become of our values in this country. I am half Italian and am grateful to come from a history of immigrants. Sit down and explain to your son what’s going on and what could happen. Honesty without bitterness is the way to go. Although this country may not be as it used to be, we should teach our children the value of equality and the importance of standing up for people. Maybe the next generation will grab hold of that and make this world a better place. He, with other children, is the future.” 
• “Grace is right, middle school children are smart and know a lot because they have seen a lot. I believe honesty and truth with our children goes a long way. This generation has proven time and time again that they comprehend the situation around them (hello pandemic?!). Society can’t hide reality, no matter how much we wish we could hide things from our children and from our homes…it don’t work that way! Remember to instill morals and kindness into our children! And teach them respect for others and their situations.”
• “Talking to our kids about everyday life issues is the best way to go. It’s best they know what’s going on in this world, so when something like this comes up, they know what to expect. Children are more understanding than we sometimes give them credit for.”

Talk to the teachers at your son’s school.

• “My father is a counselor in our public school district, and he discusses this with his students. Many of them have parents or family members being deported. Maybe talk to the guidance counselor at your son’s school, and they could help.”
• “Any time I have a big parenting question, I talk to my kid’s teachers about it. He and I both really loved his third-grade teacher, and even though he isn’t in her class anymore, I still reach out to her. She has so many great ideas for how to talk about hard stuff with kids.”
• “Most people who come to the U.S. are here for a better life for themselves and their families. They are hard-working people who pay taxes and contribute to our economy. And even if they weren’t, no middle school kid should be targeted! If there are students like Hector at your son’s school, make sure the school administration has a plan in place to support them.”

Reach out to Hector’s family and ask them how you and your son can help.

• “If you have built a close relationship with the family, I think it’s okay to talk to them about the immigration issue going on right now. Just be really respectful and start the conversation by telling them you and your son love them. You can talk together about how to be careful, make an emergency plan if they’re taken by ICE, make sure they have your phone number and a lawyer and everything.” 
• “Make sure they feel welcome, valued, and not alone. Offer the family guidance around town, help them find available community resources, and invite them to community events, gatherings, or neighborhood activities. This helps them feel included and part of the community.”

Being a mom is always hard, but it’s especially hard in uncertain times. You are up to the challenge. You can do this. Take this opportunity to teach your son the values that will shape him and the morals that you want to leave as your legacy. We’re cheering you on!

Love, 

Grace and the Readers