BONUS! I don’t want to talk about my miscarriage. How do I avoid the questions?

Dear Grace,

I’m dreading my family’s get-together for the holidays. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the past two years and I recently miscarried my first pregnancy. I’m physically okay, but he and I are both still shaken from the loss. The thing that is stressing me out the most is all the questions I know I’ll get from my family (a few aunts, in particular) about when we’re having kids or why we aren’t pregnant yet. I really don’t want to talk about my miscarriage or fertility at the dinner table, but I also don’t know if I can keep my mouth shut and just nod along at this point. How can I get through this holiday without blowing up at someone or bursting into tears?

– On The Brink Of Tears, Ohio

Hello again On the Brink,

Last month I answered your letter about your pregnancy loss and your family’s interest in your fertility journey. I also asked Dear Grace Readers “What question or comment do you wish was off-limits at a family gathering?” and over 80% of respondents agreed that comments about weight or body size, asking when you’re getting married, or asking when you’re having kids should be off limits at a family gathering. You’re not alone in feeling like your aunts are invading your privacy and you’re not alone in your grief. Over 700 women wrote in expressing their support and offering their advice, and 18% of those women said they had experienced a miscarriage too. 

Here are some of my favorite suggestions from readers:

Focus On Healing

• “Consider scheduling some downtime before or after the gathering to decompress. Whether that’s a quiet walk, journaling, or a moment alone with your husband, allow yourself space to process. This season is about love and connection, and that includes self-compassion. Take it one moment at a time, you’re stronger than you realize.”
• “Healing is the most important thing for you and your husband. My miscarriage was 19 years ago. I wasn’t able to start talking about it until we named our baby, and allowed ourselves to grieve together as a couple. I also got a pendant to wear so she felt close to me.”
• “I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s never an easy journey and each experience is so unique to the individual. My advice would be to grieve at your own pace and give yourself grace. Do not hold yourself to any code or expectation of behavior. It’s okay to not be okay.”

Shut Down Invasive Questions

• “I’ve been in your shoes. I realized that I could simply say, ‘Excuse me, but I need to go to the bathroom’ or to get a drink, or some such reason to step away from the person asking personal questions.”
• “Always lean on the side of kindness, but bluntly say ‘this subject isn’t up for discussion.’”
• “Be very upfront with them and politely respond that ‘the subject of children is between me and my husband.’ The end! Practice your response and nip the conversation in the bud.”
• “It’s okay to change the subject or excuse yourself if you feel overwhelmed. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and protecting your peace is not selfish.”

Lean On Your Support System

• “Have a close family member give everyone a heads up about avoiding the topic of having children. Let them explain what’s going on and that you’re just trying to enjoy the day without discussing emotional topics. Some encouragement for you my sweet sister…I was infertile for 5 years before I conceived and then another 10 years before our son was born. We now have 4 children ages 27, 16, 15 and 8! The waiting wasn’t easy but my prayers were answered right on time. Don’t give up or grow weary.”
• “I went through this exact same situation but at an extremely young age. When you’re around family is when you should feel the ability to more yourself than any other time. When my mother-in-law asked me about the baby that we had announced only one month prior to the holiday on Thanksgiving, I simply broke down in her arms and told her what I was going through. It actually helped a lot. Family is the best support system you could ever be gifted especially during a holiday. It might shine an unwanted light upon what all you’re going through, but it also might help.”
• “I think Grace hit it spot on with the advice she provided.. specifically, where she said, ‘It’s okay to be upset.’ I’m not sure how comfortable it is for you and your family to talk about and share intimate and personal situations with each other, but, maybe they will surprise you, maybe the love and support they can give you during this difficult time is just what your soul needs to begin healing and feeling happiness again. You never know. I will keep you in my prayers this holiday season. Keep your head up, and Don’t give up.. it really will get better.”

Your fertility journey and reproductive health are private and if you don’t want to talk about with your family, you are absolutely justified in setting a boundary. You also deserve support from your loved ones to process, grieve, and heal. However you choose to protect your peace, know that the readers and I have your back.

Love,

Grace and the readers