BONUS! I want my daughter to be more confident than I was. How do I break the cycle?
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Dear Grace,
My 15 year old daughter just bought a new pair of jean shorts. Last week, when she was heading out to the neighborhood pool, my husband made a comment about her shorts giving people the wrong idea. They’re short, but not booty-short-short, so I really don’t see the issue. She looked so confused and hurt by the comment, it really broke my heart. I heard plenty of comments like that when I was growing up and don’t want my daughter to feel the same insecurities I dealt with. How can I talk to my husband about his comments? I want my daughter to know that she can trust both her parents to never judge her.
-Distressed in Des Moines
Dear Distressed,
Hello, again! The old saying that there is strength in numbers is as true about good advice as it is about anything. When I shared your question and my take, the advice from the rest of our community was just too good to keep to myself.
Enjoy this bonus column of your advice, readers, for Distressed.
Call a family meeting.
Being young and unsure comes with being a teenager. Home should be a safe zone where self expression can happen without judgment. If dad had concerns about the length of her shorts, he can address it in a family meeting, which is the proper forum to bring issues up from wardrobe concerns to curfew extensions. My family implemented these meetings when I was a teenager. We had a talking stick, so whoever held it could speak and others would listen. Make sure to use “when you (behavior) I felt _____.” language so you can address feelings and behavior without conflict. Watching you and your husband model conflict resolution will help your daughter navigate communication of her needs in future relationships.
Be a team.
Explain to your husband that young women growing up are very sensitive to criticism and that maybe he should wait until your daughter is out of the room before saying anything. Then the two of you can discuss it and come to an agreement before talking to your daughter (if you don’t agree with the way she dressed that day). But don’t forget to praise her if she does dress great that day!
Teach your daughter about appropriate dress.
As a proud mother of three confident girls, I have so much to say. First and foremost, I always tell my girls to have enough respect for themselves and their bodies to dress appropriately for the occasion, whatever it may be. I give them the space to dress to their unique style and taste, NOT just follow what everyone else is wearing. I try to teach them to wear what they feel will get them the right attention, not disrespect. Don’t get me wrong, we had our fair share of differences, but that’s when I would tell them. I would also take them to show the outfit to their grandma, my mom, and see how comfortable they feel wearing it in her presence. You can bet they would change. Your body is your temple, don’t let anyone disrespect it! My girls know this. I love them.
Build her self-esteem.
I work in fashion retail and am amazed how the negative body thoughts are ingrained so deeply in the majority of women! I have three daughters and I have seen how social media has warped the girls’ mindset. I feel that you and your husband need to find a unifying stance of love and positivity, and it sounds like your husband talks long before he thinks!!!
Take a deep breath.
Kids like to experiment with their appearance. Whether it be dying their hair pink, piercings, or tattoos, remember that this too shall pass. Your daughter just needs love and acceptance no matter her appearance. Avoid judging her because you’re not into the trends or how she chooses to express herself. Your relationship will be stronger for it!
Once again, thanks to all the readers who shared their advice, well wishes, and personal experiences.
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