BONUS: Is my boyfriend controlling or am I overreacting?
Dear Grace,
I’m having doubts about my boyfriend of 10 years and need to know if they’re justified. At this point, I know that he cares about me but I am not sure that he really loves me anymore or just doesn’t want to start over with someone else. Here’s why:
He is very particular about how everything should be and is sure he is always right. Even the way I load the dishwasher is WRONG and he lectures me on how to do it right.
He also doesn’t like my friends and says they abuse me, even though these two women have been my true blue for over 15-20 years. He says if they don’t respect him or I or our relationship then they have no place in our lives.
Last, he doesn’t show affection. Not even a kiss! For me, a kiss is the most intimate thing between two people. If he’s “the one.” I should feel a kiss down to my toes. I guess I feel that we don’t have that connection even after all this time.
Am I reading too much into this, Grace? I feel that I love him but there is just something missing. Please advise!
– Unsure in Utah
Hello again, Unsure!
After I answered your question last month, I got so many notes from your fellow readers sharing their advice and telling me what they would do in your situation. I’m always of the mind that two brains (or in our case, almost 1,000 brains) is better than one, so I’m sharing their advice in a special bonus column!
Of course, you are the only one who can make choices about your life and relationship, but when I asked readers what they thought you should do, about 80% say to call it quits, while only 20% suggest trying to work it out.
So many readers related to your story and wanted to share their heartfelt advice, here is a taste of that advice from both sides: staying or leaving.
We think you should call it quits, and here’s why:
“I have had a relationship similar and held on for way too long. In the end I wasn’t able to see who I fell in love with or who he fell in love with. If I would have been honest with myself, years wouldn’t have been wasted and less hard ache. Seems after years of having everything his way that it is just going to get worse. I’d find yourself and then find someone worthy of you.”
“Right now you probably think that you won’t be happy without him. But, reading your question, it sounds like you are not happy right now and you will be miserable if you stay. You definitely need to move on.”
“After reading and rereading your letter, I see too many red flags already waving. I feel like you’re really asking how to end your relationship, before it goes any further. Pick a quiet time and initiate the discussion to end it. Explain your feelings about the issues that have begun to destroy the closeness you once felt. If you go on with the relationship these points are only going to grow and make the break harder. If he hasn’t made an effort to change by now, he’s not going to!”
“When you have 10 years invested in a relationship it’s got to be tough deciding whether it’s love or convenience. You have no give and take. It’s his way or the highway. If you can’t talk to him about what matters to you, why bother? I would be miserable and have to save myself.”
“Grace didn’t touch on the controlling aspect. Someone who is so rigid with how things are kept around the house will blame their partner for their unhappiness. That is not fair. Life can be messy, and changing things around can be highly cathartic. Making a space a home isn’t about perfection. A home is supposed to feel safe for all that live in that space. In addition, the only person’s emotions anyone is responsible for is their own.”
“I wasted 12 years, hoping, like a “good woman” would, that it would get better. I ended up bitter and angry, disappointed I didn’t run him off years ago. You only get one life, sometimes it’s sad, or happy, full or empty. But when you just feel “meh,” and have for years, are you happy? I couldn’t sleep with that feeling, but still, I waited so long to leave. Don’t become me, get out while you are young!”
“Get out of that relationship ASAP. Honor, love and respect yourself. Let your lifelong friends and family support and help you; emotionally and physically. That’s what true loving relationships are there for us. Only you can truly make yourself happy and fulfilled.”
We think you should work on the relationship, and here’s why:
“My first question is: has he always been like this? Unfortunately if he has, then this is who he is and it’s time to get out. If this is new, then if you love him, try to find out what has changed. If he isn’t willing to work on the affection and the controlling behavior, your next question should be if this is who you are choosing to spend your life with. Do you want your children raised by someone who is not affectionate and who demands things be done their way? Love is hard enough, don’t add to it if you don’t have too.”
“As much as it sucks to be in a relationship that feels one sided, it sucks more to flat out give up when you’ve invested so much. My suggestion is counseling, which I say with caution. My husband has PTSD and there are things that happen during our disagreements that make me question if staying in the marriage is the right call. Unconditional love is just that, unconditional. My husband and I have been to two separate marriage counselors over the past 10 years. I learned from that experience that I needed to communicate more clearly what my needs were and that I needed to put myself first sometimes. We still fight, but it’s gotten better. Start from a place of love and gratitude. If your partner is not willing to put in the work like you are…then here’s your sign.”
“I believe that it’s better for both of you to have a deep conversation about what the problems are and what each of you feels would benefit both parties. Then if nothing changes and leaving is the only solution, then you can go knowing you did your very best to resolve it! Leaving with a guilt-free conscience is better than the what ifs!”
Whatever you decide, Unsure, remember that this community has your back.
All our love,
Grace and the readers