BONUS! My husband locks me out of all of our accounts. How do I get financially free?

Dear Grace,

I am in an 18-year-long marriage and I am not on any of our vehicle loans, I’m not on any of my husband’s checking accounts and I have no access to any of our money. My husband is adamant that I don’t have access to any money because I don’t work. He controls all of it and I am left out of every decision to be made. I am tired of living this way and I don’t know what to do.

– Locked Out in Lakeview

Hello again Locked Out in Lakeview,

I responded to your question about experiencing financial abuse from your husband, and hundreds of women wrote in sharing their stories of feeling “locked out” just like you. In my original advice, I encouraged you to name the situation “financial abuse,” talk to someone you trust about what is going on, and open accounts in your own name.

After hearing from the readers, this community has more thoughts, tips, suggestions, and support for you. Here is what readers had to say:

Housework is work, even if you aren’t being paid for it

42% of the readers who responded to your column can relate to your situation because they also do all of the domestic work and have no income. But not having an income outside the house doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have access to the household finances. If you didn’t do the hard work of cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids or animals, and running the household, your husband would either have to do it himself (which would take away from his ability to earn money outside the house) or he would have to pay someone to do it. By contributing to the household, you are contributing to your family’s bottom line and budget. 

One reader said, “Give your husband a list of what house cleaners in your area make. Research what the average pay is for women who take care of kids or keep the house going. If you left, he would have to pay someone. It’s only fair that he give you some $ of your own to have in case you want to buy something for him…or just to save for a treat for yourself. You feel more like an unpaid servant instead of a wife/partner!”

Just because you aren’t making money outside of the house doesn’t mean you don’t know how to make smart financial decisions for yourself and your family.

You have the right to know what is happening with your family’s money and to be involved in your family’s financial choices. Your experience at home gives you expertise that your husband doesn’t have, and by locking you out of decision-making, he is taking away your freedom and losing out on your knowledge. Here is what readers had to say:

• “Do everything you are able to do for yourself. I was in the same situation, for the same amount of time, and it is a very difficult situation to deal with. I thought he must know best. But that was NOT the case.”
• “Get a job and also get a lawyer in order to look into what exactly he is doing with the money and the property and vehicles! It should be 50/50, not 100/0. You are a contributing member of the family, and you have legal rights!”
• “Find out the laws in your state,  because here in Louisiana, even though the man might have an ego problem, the law states that half of his money is her money. Get a voice and take a stand. Every woman deserves to be financially free!”

If you can make a little money on the side to put in your OWN bank account that ONLY you have access to, you should.

Hundreds of women wrote in saying that they have been in similar situations, and the sooner you have a little money in your own name, the better. Here is what our readers suggested to make a little cash of your own:

• 32% suggested getting a part-time job if that is an option. Check out agencies that staff for substitute teaching (do a free trial on Sub Alert here!), caregiving for elderly folks, temping as an office receptionist, or babysitting.
• 27% of readers suggested using your housework skills to make cash in your neighborhood. You could reach out to your neighbors, post on NextDoor or in a local Facebook group and see if they need someone to clean their house, babysit, cook, run errands, or take care of an elderly person.
• 17% suggested signing up to deliver meals or groceries if you have a car.
• Have you applied to join our monthly focus groups yet? In Focus participants are paid $100 to join a 1-hour Zoom call. You can apply here, and you will be emailed if your application has been accepted.

We are rooting for you, Lock Out. You deserve better, and I know you have the bravery to get yourself there. If you need support on your journey to financial freedom, reach out to the hotline here. Good luck!

Love, 

Grace and the Readers