Bonus! My Husband Has Never Gotten Over His Ex – and Now I Found Her Number in His Phone. Should I Ignore It?

Dear Grace,

My husband of 21 years just informed me that I have been his second choice to a woman he dated 24 years earlier. I always felt throughout my entire relationship that he wasn’t giving me his whole heart. He is limited in showing affection and after over 20 years of trying to make him happy I am completely exhausted. With this new piece of information I actually feel better knowing that I’m not crazy and that there is a reason for his distanced behavior. He says he has not contacted her but I did find her number in his phone contacts. When I confronted him, he said he couldn’t work up the nerve to reach out to her and that he still dreams of her at night.

So now I am left with the question of where I should go from here. We have 2 girls and I have always felt bad that their example of a marriage is one where I am constantly trying to win him over and also keep the peace. He seems to always have an underlying anger of how his life turned out. To outsiders looking in, we are living the dream. He is very successful and we do quite well financially. Should I just accept second place in his heart for the sake of our family? Any words of wisdom is much appreciated. I am still trying to digest the whole scenario.

– Feeling Second Fiddle in Florida

Dear Feeling Second Fiddle,

Last month, hundreds of fellow readers empathized with you and your story. While we all felt your heartbreak and understood your conflict, we were pretty divided on how we would handle the situation in your shoes. So in case you’re still on the fence, here are a few different perspectives from other readers who want to see you happy and thriving. 

I think you should…stick with your husband and work it out together. 

“Hi Second Fiddle, this is definitely tough. You should focus on yourself more. Practice self-love and think strongly about how to move forward. It takes two people to make it work or come to a proper conclusion. You deserve 100% from your partner.”

“I would try to stay and work on the marriage since he’s now been completely honest with you! He needs to delete her number or you should leave! His choice!” 

“At first I might consider leaving him, but if he’s faithful to you now, that should be what really matters. I would simply ask him why he is telling you now after 21 years of marriage and why he never said anything before. Clear the air with your husband and ask if there are any more secrets. If you can’t trust him, that’s a separate issue, but if you trust that he’s being honest, then I think you can put it behind you.” 

I think you should…separate while you work it out.

“I would definitely talk with your daughters about everything. I would also make sure you have a good support system to fall back on. You should never be a second choice to your partner. Try separating to show your children that it’s ok to prioritize yourself and teach them how to be strong and vulnerable. No matter what, children will always have some baggage from their parents and it’s up to them to decide how to manage it as adults. Personally, I watched my mother choose to stay in a bad marriage and seeing her so miserable was heartbreaking.”

“I would spend some time with myself, getting to know me and love myself more. You are certainly a brave soul and I hope the very best for you and your family.”

“I was in this position before and left. I was hurt and angry when this happened to me, and ended up finding another relationship, but I still always loved my husband. I wish I’d have tried to forgive and work it out. Always give your marriage a chance.”

“I think separating first is best before making a big decision in your life.  Talk to each other, go to therapy, and if he still won’t open up truthfully and honestly then it is time to separate permanently.” 

I think you should…end the relationship. 

“Be open and honest with the girls. A strong woman will not stand for this. He is not worthy of you. Your daughters will admire your strength to create a new and exciting chapter in your life.  Be grateful for what you’re taking from this situation: your daughters’ respect and your own renewed respect for yourself. Life is short and you are so lucky you know the truth and can now move on to the next adventure in your life.” 

“I have lived this very life. I regret not leaving sooner. After 22 years, I finally got stronger and left. I felt like a weight was lifted off of me and I’m so much better in all aspects of my life.”

“The relationship is unhealthy and it won’t suddenly change after 21 years. When we are in unhealthy relationships, it has a negative impact on the children and teaches them what kind of treatment to tolerate in their own relationships. One should never feel like they are not enough, because I assure you that you are enough for someone out there! Love yourself enough to leave the situation behind you. You are stronger than you think! Someone out there will love you unconditionally. I have watched women throughout my life stand with men that don’t deserve them, only to feel more crushed as time goes by. It’s not worth taking that chance on the relationship growing colder.” 

“You must be exhausted!  You deserve better, and so do your daughters. If he treats his whole life like it’s not good enough, chances are that fallout from that is already coming down on your kids. They may need some counseling too. Big hugs! Change is scary, but it brings possibility with it!”

We know there are no easy answers here, Second Fiddle, but hope that hearing advice from a few different perspectives will help you find the path that’s right for you.

We’re all sending our love, 

The Readers