BONUS! Should I move to a new state to get better health care for my pregnancy?

Dear Grace,

I prioritized working and saving up money when in my 20s, and so I didn’t really think about pregnancy. Now I’m in my late 30s, sturdy in my finances, with a man I truly love, and I really want to be a mom. My doctor said that we could start trying, but to keep in mind that it would be a “geriatric pregnancy” because I’m over 35. I see celebrities in their 40s having babies all the time! But apparently, it could have more risks and complications.

I live in a state that has pretty strict abortion laws. I obviously don’t want to have an abortion, but if something goes wrong during the pregnancy, I’m worried that my doctors won’t legally be able to help. I love my home, but I really want to have a baby…is it a bad idea to get pregnant in my state and at my age? 

– Ready to be a Mom in the Midwest

Hello again Ready to be a Mom,

You wrote in sharing that you are excited to get pregnant and raise a child with the love of your life, but you are concerned about getting good medical care in your state while pregnant. You’re right to worry: Twelve states have total abortion bans, which means if the pregnancy threatened your health, doctors would not be able to treat you. Based on these laws, families are forced to navigate nightmare scenarios (like this mother from Georgia), and many OBGYNs are leaving states that criminalize care, making it hard to get good pregnancy care even if you have no complications. 

I shared your question and my advice to you with hundreds of thousands of women across the country. Whether you decide to get pregnant and carry in your home state or move to a state where you have access to more reproductive care, know that this community is with you in spirit.

You’re not alone in considering moving to a new state.

When I asked readers “The decision to pick up and move isn’t one that families take lightly. What might inspire you to consider moving to a new state?” over 20% empathized with you and said they would move to a new state to access crucial medical care. No matter our particular advice, we could all empathize with the tough position you’re in and agreed that no expecting mom should have to consider uprooting her life to make sure that she and baby get the care they need.

Some readers think you should move, others aren’t so sure. Ultimately, only you know what is best for you and your family. As you make your decision, here is some advice to consider: 

• “Just like being a parent, starting over takes courage. It may not be easy at first, but you’re making a decision that could transform your future. One day, this brave choice will be part of your story and perhaps even your family’s legacy.”
• “Do what you have to in order to be safe. If you work for a company with branches in other states, see if you can do a temporary transfer. You could also temporarily relocate for the last 6-8 months to a safe state and get an extended stay in a hotel or a short-term lease at a house if you need to.”
• “I think you can go ahead and try to conceive. If there is a problem you could travel for treatment, like Grace said. Otherwise you could stay in another state throughout your pregnancy in case of an emergency.”
• “More and more doctors are afraid to care for pregnant women due to abortion laws. If there is a complication, the doctor may be arrested for saving the mother or get arrested if there is a miscarriage. Moving to a state where all reproductive care is safe and legal allows doctors to perform their duties without fear.”
• “It’s a sad state of affairs when decisions about our own bodies can actually affect the lives of many. Dear reader, you have a right to take control of what happens in case of an emergency. Move and be safe!”

Readers encourage you to do your research on where you want to move.

• “Do research on the state or county you are moving to live in. Make a list of pros and cons about it. Talk to friends and family that live in the place you want to go. Take a little vacation to the place before you make your final decision to move. Then if all is well with you, make sure you can get a job or transfer.”
• “Moving 1,200 miles away to another state was the BEST decision I ever made…Once I got unpacked, I visited several charities to see where I fit best, and started building my community. I was able to be a new, real me instead of being stuck in my past or my old friend group. I LOVE the life I have chosen to live. Check out the place you’re considering to make sure it has what you’re looking for. Have fun, enjoy your life, and best of luck to you!”
• “While you’re deciding, make sure you research everything from cost, weather, food, religion, state laws, schools, communities, culture, etc.… Include everyone in your family when making your decision to move. Travel to that state if possible. See how it feels to you. Make sure you are financially prepared and make it a positive experience for a better life.”

If you do decide to move, find joy and community in your new home.

• “It may be hard at first. But you will make friends and you will have less stress and anxiety over your pregnancy.”
• “As a former army wife, I completely understand how it feels to “have to” move, so I decided to make the best out of the situation. I purged what we didn’t need or use, made sure I had ways to stay in contact with friends, and then researched fun things to do in my new town on Pinterest. That way I always had something to look forward to when we got there.”
• “Find a regular restaurant, coffee shop, or bar to frequent to make social familiar connections. Find a support group, and find people with common interests or hobbies. If you can, move to a state where you already have family and make friends around that.”

I’m so sorry you have to consider this during what should be such an exciting time, Ready to Be a Mom. Thank you for sharing your question with this community and giving a voice to the many other parents (and future parents!) out there worrying about what the loss of access to critical care could mean for them and their families. More and more women are leaving their home states when abortion bans are passed because they want their reproductive rights respected, and they want to get the best medical care possible for their growing family.

If you choose to move, we’re sending you strength and joy on this new adventure. If you choose to stay, we’re sending you resilience and steadfastness for the road ahead.

Love, 

Grace and the Readers