BONUS! This new illness means I can’t be as independent as I once was. How do I stay me?

Dear Grace,

I’m retired due to illness but don’t like having to depend on my daughter for a lot of things. It makes me feel inadequate as I have never depended on anyone but myself. Where do I go from here?

– Stressed in Kennet Square

Hello again Stressed,

I responded to your question last month and was blown away by how many readers in our audience could relate. When I asked readers “What advice do you have for Stressed?” I got hundreds of responses. Many of these folks are going through exactly what you are going through! And even though you may not know each other or live in the same state, I hope that these messages make you feel a little less alone.

Here are some of my favorite suggestions from women all over the country:

Talk It Out

• “Be productive in your verbal communication with your daughter. Let your daughter know what you’re going through and how you are feeling. She might have some good ideas as to giving back some of your independence with some minor changes. It never hurts to try and be upfront to keep the communication flowing in an easier manner. Thank you for giving me some thought on what I can do to make a difference in my life moving forward. Your letter made me open my eyes to what my future may hold, as well as yours.”
• “Breathe and talk to others who may be going through something similar. Listen to others on the subject. You don’t have to give up, you just have to learn how to make sound decisions that could make you feel happier.”

Keep Yourself Busy

• “You should try to focus on what you can do, not what you can’t. Try to do things that help you focus on anything other than your current circumstances.  You could maybe do puzzle books, cook a meal, sew just anything. Crafting is a great way to feel accomplished and proud of yourself without doing too much that is hard on the body.”
• “Like Grace said, look for support from the family and community. It’s normal to need help. Maybe you could start a small business or learn a new skill. You can find ways to learn for free on the internet like YouTube and Google type in free classes or courses and a lot will pop up. Also maybe look into doing volunteer work. Focus on ways you can help others so you do not get down on yourself. Helping others keep our minds busy and off of ourselves. “

Focus on Gratitude and Acceptance

• I’m sure it’s uncomfortable being cared for by your daughter. But there are many who have no one they can depend on. Embrace help from your daughter. Her helping you says that you are loved enough to have my daughter be there for you as you heal. This can create a great closeness for you both. What a special time for your relationship! You got this !!!!”
• “As someone who is chronically ill, acceptance is the key. Feel grateful to have the love and support of your daughter…you just have to get to know the new you!”

Take Life One Day At A Time

• “Give yourself grace as the days are often unpredictable in the transition phase. I too faced a sudden intense illness. It has been a tough ride,  but sometimes unexpected challenges come. Be sure and allow time to work through the feelings related to loss of freedom. Embrace life a day at a time and look for the silver linings!  There is always a ray of sunshine if we look for it no matter how small. Small wins are the best!!!”
• “Our age, illnesses, and necessary accommodations do not have to define us. You are not your diagnosis. Living in a spirit of gratitude can be difficult when you’re angry, so I agree with Grace that grieving through this process is a necessary piece of that puzzle. Allow yourself that grieving time. But please put a time limit on it. And don’t forget to look in the mirror once in a while and tell yourself, “I love you.” You will get through this, and a beautiful new chapter will emerge. Transitions and change are so hard, but without change, there is no growth…so best of luck to you; you’ve got this!!”

So many of us can relate to how you’re feeling and know all too well that after a lifetime of taking care of others, it can be hard to allow others to take care of us! I hope that these notes from women across the country give you a little comfort and reassurance as you navigate this big life change with your daughter’s help. One reader wrote in, “I don’t believe it is our responsibility to care for our parents, but a privilege” and shared how honored she is to be able to take care of her mom—I’m sure your daughter can relate! 

Wishing you both my best, 

Grace