He says he loves me but his actions don’t show it. What should I do?

Dear Grace,

I have been in a relationship for 8 years, but this past year he has not been the loving, caring man that I fell in love with. I long to feel the love from him that I used to and to feel like his priority. He says he loves me every day but his actions don’t show it. I tell him I want him to show me, not tell me…and he acts like I’m crazy, like the whole “actions speak louder than words” concept is stupid. Am I crazy? I love him so much but am so tired of always feeling alone, even when he’s next to me. I don’t want to throw away 8 years, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. What would you do?

– In Between A Rock And A Hard Place, Illinois

Dear Rock,

Maintaining the spark in long-term relationships is something so many couples struggle with (I’ve been there too). We’re only human, after all, and it’s hard to always find time (and energy) to be those two lovebirds who were mad for each other, especially in the face of all of life’s other challenges. 

I understand not wanting to throw away eight years together over what might end up being a very normal lull or rough patch. Here’s my advice to get to the bottom of things and start feeling the love you’re looking for: 

You’re not crazy. I hear from women all the time who write in with similar relationship challenges and wonder if they’re overreacting or “acting crazy.” So let me say this once and for all: It’s not crazy to express your wants and needs in a relationship! That’s not only normal, it’s the definition of healthy behavior. I want you to remember this any time you find you’re telling yourself otherwise—and hold onto your truth even if your partner doesn’t quite get it.  

Give him a hint. I wonder if the disconnect between his actions and words is because he doesn’t understand the actions you want to see. Have you discussed specifically what you miss, or what you’d like to see more of? Sometimes we need to spell things out in order for our partners to know how best to show up for us. Give him some examples of things he used to do that made you feel loved and important and wish he would do again, or some new things you’d like to see. Try telling him in plain English what you envision: A kiss goodbye in the morning; a phone call check-in every day; a special outing every Saturday night. We rarely get what we don’t ask for so look at this like a chance to create your very own wish list. 

Check in with him. I notice you say that until this past year, he’s been a loving, caring partner who made you feel safe and appreciated. That makes me wonder what’s changed? Was there a move, a career change, or a personal loss? While this could just be the normal ebbs and flows of a long-term relationship, it’s a good idea to check in with him and make sure he’s okay. If we’re struggling ourselves, it can be hard to show up for loved ones—or even know that they need us or that we’re falling short. If he is having a hard time, he may be keeping it to himself out of fear of burdening you, or even fear of admitting it to himself. He may need your love right now as much as you need his. 

On Career Day in school, they never tell you that one of the hardest jobs you will ever have is being in a relationship with another person. Romance is wonderful and can evolve in many different ways over the decades—but it takes a lot of work. You deserve the relationship you want, and I know you have the wisdom and compassion to get it.

With love and confidence, 

Grace