How do I connect with my teen grandkids this holiday season?

Dear Grace,

In a world that’s ever-changing, how do you engage the teens of the younger generations? As usual, us grandparents are older, and their life seems foreign because of technology. Holidays are coming up, and it’s my big chance. Answer back.

– Wannabe Good Grandma, Ohio

Dear Wannabe Good Grandma,

Good for you for asking this question! It’s tempting to dismiss things (or people) who are different from us or hard to understand. But instead of giving up on your grands, you reached out and asked for help. Building a relationship with your grandkids isn’t like a light switch that you can turn on in one day (or one holiday season). It will take time to get to know each other and build trust. But all the best things take time, and being close with your grands is worth it.

Let’s talk about how you and your grands can find some common ground, despite generational differences:

Ask questions and really listen to the answers.

You don’t have to know a lot about technology, social media, or what the “kids these days” are up to to be close with your grandkids. But you do have to know about them. So ask! Learn about your grandchildren by asking them specific questions about what they think, how they feel, and what they make of everything going on in the world right now. Listen closely to their answers. Your grandkids may think differently about the world than you do. That’s okay. The goal is understanding, not agreement. 

Not sure what to ask? Here are a few questions to try:

• Who is your best friend right now? What do you like about them?
• What is your favorite song? What is your favorite food?
• What is the hardest part of being a teenager in America right now?
• What superpower would you want to have? How would you use it?
• What is the best part of technology, and what is the worst part?
• What country or city would you most like to travel to?

By asking your grands to share and listening closely when they do, you are showing them that they matter to you. Listening builds trust and will help you understand them better. You never know…maybe you have more in common than you think!

Do your research.

When you’re not at a holiday gathering with your grandkids, there are still steps you can take to get to know them better. Learn a little more about a hobby or interest of your grand. For example, if your granddaughter loves the WNBA, read about her favorite team and maybe even watch a game on TV. It will give you something in common and will make for a fun phone call when your team wins! If your grandson has a favorite musician, look up that musician’s songs on the internet and give them a listen. Your grands will see you putting in the effort to learn about their interests, and even if they don’t show it (teenagers rarely do!), they will appreciate that you took the time to listen and learn more. When you know more about what your grandkids are interested in, you’ll feel more confident giving them a call to check in, because you will always have something to talk about!

Work as a team.

It takes a village to raise a teenager, so lean on your village. Tell the adults in your grandkids’ lives (their parents, aunts and uncles, coaches, etc.) that you want to get to know them better and ask how you can support them. Maybe there are ways to show up for your grands that you didn’t think of before, like a school play or basketball game. Or maybe there are ways you can spend more time with your grands, like giving rides or making dinner. Their parents can give you ideas for the best ways to stay in touch with your Grands between holidays. By teaming up with other adults in your grands’ lives, you’ll have more information on how to show up in the way that your grands need most. 

Teenagers aren’t always warm, fuzzy, and open to new relationships…especially from adults. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth the effort. I remember when I was a teenager, the adults in my life really showed up for me despite my hot and cold moods. I’ll never forget that. Your grands are part of you, and even if it may not look like you have much in common, don’t judge a book by its cover. Your age gap is what makes your relationship different and special, because there is so much for each of you to discover and learn from each other. Your grands are very lucky to have such a (not Wannabe!) Good Grandma.

Wishing you all the best this holiday season,

Grace