How do I forgive myself for my parenting mistakes?
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Dear Grace,
I’m a mom and have made plenty of mistakes with my kids. They’ve all forgiven me but I still can’t forgive myself. I keep beating myself up for them for not being there for them how they needed me, even though they all turned out to be wonderful, responsible adults. How do I let this go?
– Guilty in Grand Rapids
Dear Guilty,
I could feel my chest tighten reading your question. From one mom to another, I am right there with you. We’ve all made mistakes, both as parents and as people, but the important thing is right in front of you: your kids are happy, healthy, wonderful adults. Being a mom is such an incredible responsibility and sometimes it can feel like everything rides on making the “right” decision—whatever that means. That’s too much pressure for anyone to handle and doesn’t take into account a very important truth: part of being alive is making mistakes. Your kids learn to be resilient from watching you respond to challenges and, yes, failures. I hear how much you love your kids and hope that I can help you find some peace for yourself at long last. Here’s my advice:
Follow your children’s lead. Your kids have forgiven you for whatever your shortcomings were as a parent (and we’ve all had them), so why should you still punish yourself? I’m always amazed at how critical and harsh we are to ourselves, when we would treat anyone else in our position with grace and compassion. Yes, you’ve made mistakes. And yes, you deserve to move on with peace of mind.
Write a letter. While I often advise people to talk through their feelings with the loved one involved, that doesn’t always work with the parent-child relationship. It sounds like your hang up isn’t really with your kids, but with yourself. So take some time to write a letter—you can write to yourself or to your kids, if that helps—to put words to what you feel is left unsaid. Sometimes putting pen to paper can help us lift a weight off our hearts so that we can take a deep breath and move on.
Talk to a professional. Our brains are both incredible and complex. Sometimes when we’re stuck and struggling to process our feelings, the thing we need is a little help from an expert. There are plenty of ways to connect 1-1 with a counselor or therapist, whether in-person, via video chat, or even just through text. Counseling has a reputation for being pricey, but it doesn’t have to be. Companies like Better Help and Grow Therapy offer affordable online sessions for people with insurance, and Open Path is a nonprofit that serves people without insurance. We all need a little help every now and then.
No parent is perfect, Guilty. I hope you can find some grace in your heart for the mistakes you made so that you can appreciate all the ways you came through for your kids. Sending you all my love and encouragement,
Grace
I’m a mother of 4 kids an I have lost custody of all of them an they are in different places. I hate it. My oldest daughter just had her first baby and she has forgave me in alot of ways but I struggle so much betting myself up over thi gs that’s done in the past now things I can’t control but I can’t forgive myself yet for some reason. But I just was reading a response to this topic an it said try writing a letter to yourself and that sometimes helps in the process of forgiven ourselves and moving forward from the guilty stage.
I have 4 children one of which is almost 20. My youngest is 2. I was in a very abusive marriage from 2012 until 2019. I have all boys. When I met my husband my oldest son was 9. He had to witness the arguments and it really scared him. I have guilt to this day that I stayed with my husband, even though I know that there were times that my son was scared to death of what was going on and I feel guilty about that to this day, but that was five years ago and you just can’t beat yourself up about it we all make mistakes what really matters is that you recognize that you made a mistake and you fix it and that’s what really matters is that you no longer continue to make the mistakes. Perfectly normal and a mom that really cares and has a heart and that’s what really matters. If you can’t let go and you’re facing it every day to see a therapist that’s what I did and it really helped me.
I agree every parents make mistakes and different things make you feel guilty. But really if you’re speaking about work versus being at home for every milestone moments , you shouldn’t feel guilty at all. Sometimes parents make sacrifices and it sucks but I believe the best parents stay open to all kinds of communication from your children and as long as you stay connected verbally the emotional aspect will develop that connection that all parents long for. IE the “ what should I do” or the “ how do you “ or “ I can’t believe it” moments. Communication traditions and a rock is what they need and want even if they don’t say it.
Now who gets to put the star on the tree this year !?!
I’ve made plenty of mistakes as a mother. As I’ve read children don’t come with instructions so we just kinda have to wing it. Give it our best and say I’m sorry and explain things to your kids. Just communicate really.
When you become a parent, your going to have to experience every bad and good decisions, but it’s OK. Nobody expects you to be perfect when you stop breathe and think back to when you were growing up how you felt when your parents didn’t understand you learning process each child has their own identity and believe me they fight tooth and nails to discover their self identity . as they grow, you wanna be there for them even through the hard decisions and the bad ones that they learn from so don’t feel guilty. If you think you’re not a perfect parent, you have to grow through what you have to go through the challenge that we have as parents is to retain remember and understand, all children start asking questions and not just that they see how you react to every situation. Give yourself a break not everything is gonna go their way at the end of the day you did your best life gives you trials and tribulations Hills and Battles we overcome because we’re only learning day by day with every action is a distraction, but it’s not yours to overcome, but to learn from to make it better🤍
Dear Guilty,
Your post and the response encouraged me, because it reminds me that we are all human and make mistakes and need grace. Not that we should go on making the same mistakes, but that we can learn from our mistakes & grow through them and become better by learning how not to repeat the same mistake
Dear “G_____” mom,
It’s a must to let go of. All of us moms experience this in life regardless to what the situation is. You cannot constantly beat yourself up behind it. If you have “come clean” with your children and they have forgiven you, now you must “come clean” with yourself and forgive yourself. This is definitely not good for you to keep ALLOWING this to be upon you like this especially for health reasons. This can become a very stressful thing upon you and tear you down mentally and physically. DO NOT ALLOW THIS!!! We’ve All had these moments but look at your “NOW” and began to draw strength from it. You’re kids are good and NOW ALLOW YOU TO BE GOOD. Heal yourself from the inside out and breathe. One day at a time mom but it will get better. Take care of you so you can “HELP” take care of them.
Sincerely Yours,~~~Been there, Done that!!!
Oh yeah…I left that blank on Purpose in the beginning so you can choose. Hope it can be one of these: (good, great, guilt free)*
I dont care who you are we are all human we make mistakes and we learn life is all about trial and error do what you think is best your kid wil learn the same so pray to our father above he will comfort you
We have all made mistakes. I mean really how could we not most of us we’re pretty young having children ourselfs. The birth of our children didn’t come with a detailed instruction booklet. We only know what we were told, and what we were taught. Each and everyone of us were taught by our parents or mentors and our parents or mentors were taught by their parents or mentors, and so on. I know I made many mistakes as my parents made many mistakes. I learned from those mistakes and I know that my children will learn from the mistakes I have made, and our chikdren will also make mistakes and their children and so on.
Being a parent is a 24/7 job. If you are at home with your children or they are in school and you are working you are being a parent. We all make mistakes and mistakes can be corrected. I was a single Mom for many years and had many challenges. Now my older son has a family of his own and I am raising my special needs adult son.
My daughter, my only child turned 44 in December and I still feel a tinge of guilt, that I did not do or give her enough and she has a way of making my self inflicted guilt hurt sting like a bee, but deep down in my heart I did everything to take care of her daily needs.
I know she was and is spoiled beyond measure, so as a mother who had a child young I know I was learning as I went along. Of course there were bumps along the way and most were worked out.
The ones that weren’t were figured out. Maybe not to her satisfaction, but figured out nonetheless.
The reward comes when they have children and see what you had to endure and they realize everything you did and all the sacrifices you made for them because they are going through the same things.
Not as a dig, but with an understanding that they did not lack anything growing up.
So, do not beat yourself up too much, because we only do our best and you will getbyour kudos. Especially with those grandchildren ♥️
They don’t really teach much in the way of parenting classes. Maybe partly because not everyone would agree anyway. We learn as we go. Be glad your kids turned out fine. Try to have some grace towards you and any ways you feel you came up short. You may have the chance to be a grandmother. Just think of all you’ve learned.
I absolutely relate to this, I have so much mom guilt it is overwhelming some days…. I have to give myself a pep talk just to get through the day… my daughter just turned 10 and she is amazing, however she has also been through so much in her short life… I feel the guilt of not being able to protect her completely and also because I don’t know if I am helping or supporting her enough or correctly… there is no instruction manual for this, so it’s just one day at a time. Thanks for sharing!!
I think we all look at certain experiences and wish we did better. Your children you you and veiw you in love.On your mistakes it was a learning experience for you and your kids. They are better parents after seeing some errors. Sounds like you did a great job