How do I get out of my post-divorce slump?

Dear Grace, 

My life is in a slump. I just got divorced after 30 years, after finding out my husband had been having an affair. I moved into an apartment but then had to move back out when rent went up and I couldn’t afford it. Since then I’ve been staying with a friend while I find a place of my own, but I just feel like I have no control over my life right now. How can I move on?

– Empty in Edwardsburg

Dear Empty,

I am so very sorry you are going through this right now. I know it’s a lot to grieve the loss of a marriage, while at the same time facing uncertainty about where you’ll be living. I can absolutely understand feeling like you’re out of control, especially after all you’ve been through. That’s the thing about emotional rollercoasters—they make you forget which way is up. 

The good news is that you do have choices. And giving yourself some time to explore which ones you want to make is a crucial—and even strengthening—part of regaining your sense of control as you move forward. Here’s some advice to help you get started:

Imagine the life you want. Coming out of a 30-year relationship is huge, the ground has shifted under you. It’s also a chance to take stock of how you might want to do things differently. Instead of rushing to “move on,” take some time to figure out what kind of life you want to move on to. We all process our feelings in different ways. Whether you like to journal, talk with friends, or take long walks by yourself, here’s a couple of good questions to think about while you do.

• What would I do if I had no fear?
• What does my perfect day look like?
• Where do I see myself in five years?

Learning these answers will help you move forward into a life you create for yourself—and not one you feel you’ve fallen into. 

Take Small Steps. Moving on doesn’t happen all at once. In fact, it will probably feel like a series of small steps and adjustments rather than one moment when it all just “clicks.” Instead of pressuring yourself to build a new life overnight, break down your goals into small, manageable steps. Not only will it help make things seem less overwhelming, but it will allow you to feel like you’re always making progress. 

Start with your immediate priorities—the things you need for your own wellbeing. If housing feels like too big of a mountain to climb right now, pick something smaller, like building a budget or rebuilding your social connections. With every small win you get under your belt, you’ll find yourself more confident and capable of taking on the big stuff. 

Talk to your friend. Since you’re staying there, be open about how you’re feeling and your plans for the future. She may turn out to be a good sounding board as you start to sort out your next steps. Talking to her about your situation also opens the door to hear how she feels about having a roommate—as well as any issues this situation may be creating—so that it doesn’t cause stress in your friendship. Together, you can figure out how long it’s appropriate to stay and create a plan to transition to your own place.

Lastly, I want you to recognize how well you’ve done so far. You’ve dealt with an unforeseen and painful situation with grace and the courage to move forward. Give yourself some much deserved credit, especially on those days when you’re feeling discouraged. 

With love and hope,

Grace