How do I support a moody teenager when it seems like I can’t do anything right?

Dear Grace,

My Granddaughter is 18. She had a boyfriend of 2 years and broke up with him 6 months ago. Since then, she has treated our family like we annoy her and just comes and goes without speaking to anyone. She has always been the fun, family-oriented type, but now she just lays in bed and seems depressed. I’ve talked to her when she gets upset, but I don’t know what’s wrong or how to help. What should I do?

– Watchful in Waynesboro

Dear Watchful,

I’m so sorry you’re watching your granddaughter go through such a difficult time. Depression not only leaves the person suffering from it feeling powerless, but the people that love them, too. And I know how awful it can be to feel we cannot help the people we want to help the most. 

Even with a loving, supportive family around, teenage life is hard. Here’s my advice for how you can keep showing up for your granddaughter:

Leave the door open. Even if she seems annoyed or uninterested in talking, taking a moment to tell her you love her and that you’re there for her can go a long way. Reassure her that it’s OK if she’s not ready to confide in you, but that you’re always there if she changes her mind. Offer to simply listen without comment if that’s what she’d prefer. Sometimes what prevents us from opening up to our loved ones is our fear of what they may say in response. Letting her know that you want to be there for her—however she needs you—may be what she needs to hear. 

Offer distractions. When we’re in a dark place, distractions have the power to give us a little relief. Invite her to join you for activities you know she enjoys. If that doesn’t work, consider asking her to help you with something. She may not be engaging with family out of fear that her dark mood is more of a burden. Feeling that she’s needed could be the incentive she needs to get out of bed—and get her mind off what is really bothering her.

Talk to her parents about more help. It sounds like this depression has gone on for a while now, which tells me that it’s probably time to reach out to a professional. If there’s resistance to therapy, gently suggest that a physical with her pediatrician may be in order. It’s always smart to rule out any underlying physical conditions that may be affecting our mental health, and it’s a good way to start the conversation about other solutions. If she’s still unwilling to go, consider talking to an expert yourself, so that you can identify potential red flags that indicate the problem is getting more serious. 

Your story reminds me how hard it is to be young. Hard breakups and sad times are nothing new—you may have experienced some of the same at her age! Your granddaughter is learning how to handle what life throws at her and how to take care of herself—this is no small feat. Keep showing up with love and patience, and know that your granddaughter is so fortunate to have you in her corner.

With love and hope,

Grace