How do I tell my son I won’t be his kids’ full-time nanny?

Dear Grace,

I’m 68 and live 45 minutes away from my son and daughter-in-law. They both work full-time, but are struggling to make ends meet. Now that I’m retired, my son wants me to watch his 4 year-old, 2 year-old, and newborn baby during the work day because daycare is so expensive they just can’t afford it. I love my grandkids and want to help them out, but I just don’t have the energy to run around after them all day and I’m nervous about driving back and forth so tired. Should I just grit my teeth and say yes? As the only person who can do so right now, do I have to help them?

– Only One in Oneida

Dear Only One,

I can see how hard it is to feel like you’re the only one your family can turn to, that’s a lot of responsibility. You parented your child, and now that you’re retired and your time is your own again, it’s understandable that you’re hesitant to take on this level of parenting. While I often hear grandparents remark that there’s nothing better than spending time with their grandchildren, this level of child care is a little different. 

Your family is in a very common predicament. So many parents are currently struggling to find childcare they can afford. A friend recently said to me that paying for one year of child care for a single kid is akin to buying a new car every year, and she’s right. Your son’s stress is totally understandable, but that doesn’t mean that stepping in to save the day is the right solution. Your concerns both for your time and well-being are reasonable, and I’ve got a few ideas for solutions: 

Decide what you want your role to be. To answer your question, Only One, you don’t have to do anything. You are in charge of your time and energy, so take a moment to figure out what role you want to play as a grandmother. Are you more concerned about the long drive or preserving some well-deserved “you” time? Once you figure out the way you want to show up in your kids’ and grandkids’ lives, you can start to come up with a workable solution.

Get creative. Now that you know what you want, think about how to make it happen. If the long drive is the real issue, maybe someone can drop the kids off at your house a few times a week. Otherwise, consider different ways to help out. Can you make dinner on the days that you visit? Contribute financially or do a grocery run? Even doing some research on local child care co-ops or nanny shares might be a big help. 

Communicate. Talk to your son and DIL and tell them what you’ve decided to do. They may express disappointment or frustration, so keep your cool and hold tight to your boundaries. While there might be some space for negotiation, try not to let their reaction sway you from your decision. Your time is valuable, too. Remember that you are a team all working towards the same goal: providing safe, nurturing care to your grandkids. 

Being an active, involved grandparent is wonderful, but sacrificing your well-being to make affordable child care possible for your family shouldn’t be the norm. Parents should be able to work knowing their kids are safe and cared for without dragging loved ones out of retirement or breaking the bank. Good luck in your dilemma, and let me know how it winds up once the dust settles. 

<3 Grace