I don’t have time or energy for my ex-husband, can I ignore him when he calls?

Dear Grace,

I am divorced and have a lot of debt. I have many medical bills from two major life incidents and barely make enough to get through each month. My ex-husband is a total a**hole. Yesterday he told me he is broke, but he is living much better than I am. How do I deal with talking to him? Our children are all adults. I once asked him not to contact me unless it was life or death. Should I just ignore him when he does not respect that?

– Might Be Out of My Mind, Midwest

Dear Midwest,

There’s a lot to address in your question, so let’s start with the most important part:  I do not think you are out of your mind. You sound like someone with very relatable financial struggles who doesn’t need the drama of an inconsiderate ex weighing you down. Sadly, a lot of us get it. 

Now to your actual questions. How do we deal with his presence in your life—and should he even have one? Here are my suggestions to help you find peace with this situation. 

Stick to your boundaries. Should you ignore your ex-husband when he violates your boundaries? Yes, I’d say so. You’re the boss. You’ve already set a big boundary with him by ending your marriage, and since your children are grown and your finances are separate, you’re no longer splitting any major responsibilities. That means that the terms of your relationship are totally up to you to decide, and if only communicating for real emergencies is what you want, then you’re in the clear to pursue that. You can remind him of your boundary if you feel you need to, or just ignore (or block) his calls and texts when they come in. 

Consider giving your loved ones a heads-up. You are in charge of decisions about who is in your life and where you put your attention—this isn’t something to negotiate or feel guilty about! You can, however, let your kids know if you think it will help this go more smoothly for you. For example, you might tell them, “For my own peace I’ve decided to stop communicating with your father unless it’s an emergency. I don’t want to put you in the middle, and I’d rather not talk about him further, but I did want to let you know in case he brings it up.” Setting a healthy boundary may even inspire your kids to set one with your ex in return so that he doesn’t try to make them a go-between or take sides. 

See if you’re eligible for some financial relief. I can hear the toll your medical debt is taking on you, and I’m so sorry this is even an issue. No one should be financially punished for getting the healthcare they need. My heart goes out to you and the millions of Americans who find themselves in a similar situation. I’m sure you’ve looked into a lot of programs. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out USA.gov and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau for resources and advice for reducing medical debt. If those options are not available to you, here are some tips to negotiate your bill down directly with your provider. 

It’s clear you’ve faced a lot of challenges and come out on the other side—all while raising a family, too. You deserve to enjoy the next chapter and I hope this helps you start your new journey. 

With love and compassion,

Grace