I tried to help my struggling neighbor by giving her kids hand-me-downs, but they never wear them. Did I do something wrong?

Dear Grace,

My neighbor seems to be struggling. She has a bunch of kids and her yard is a mess. I noticed that one of her boys was always wearing the same outfit, so I got together some hand-me-downs from my kids and brought them to her. She thanked me when I dropped them off, but I saw that her boys weren’t wearing any of the clothes I gave them. They’re still running around in the same outfits. I thought I was being helpful. Were they not good enough for her? What’s going on?

– Confused in Clark County

Dear Confused,

I can understand why you’re, well, Confused. You went out of your way to offer support to a struggling neighbor, and now you’re not sure if you have the impact you hoped for. There is a quote I’ve seen on social media lately that says “Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.” I think this means that we all want a supportive community, but we don’t always have the bravery, compassion, and patience to step up and support others. You clearly have what it takes to be a “villager” and you should be proud of that.

Here are some of my suggestions for how to move forward with your neighbor and how to support other folks in your “village” in the future:

Sometimes, giving is its own reward.

I’m sure the last thing your neighbor wants is to offend you. There are a million possible reasons why her boys aren’t wearing the clothes you gave them. Maybe they only want to wear their favorite outfit, maybe they have a disability that makes certain fabrics uncomfortable, maybe wearing those clothes is part of a religious or cultural practice, or maybe her boys are just picky about clothes and she didn’t have the energy to fight them on it (I know I’ve been there!). So don’t take it personally that your hand-me-downs aren’t getting the use you thought they would. Remember that once a gift leaves your hands, how it’s used is up to the person receiving it. Being generous is its own reward.

You aren’t expected to mind-read.

I can tell that you are observant and that you deeply care about your community, Confused. You saw a few signs of your neighbor’s struggle and took the initiative to help. But the truth is, there is often more to the situation than meets the eye. Many struggles are ones we can’t see…issues at work, parenting challenges, and relationship stress all usually happen behind closed doors. The challenges that you see as her neighbor might not be her only ones…or might not be the most dire. And you know, as a mom, that sometimes you have to choose your battles. New outfits for her boys may have been on her to-do list, but it might have been at the very bottom under much more pressing items like “get that life-saving prescription” or “make sure the utility company doesn’t turn off the heat.”

When I asked our community “What is the best way to support women?” the response I got the most was “Ask them!” You are not a mind reader, Confused, and that’s okay! When families are underwater the way her family might be, they know what they need best. The best way to figure out how to help is to ask.

Get to know each other.

Being the kind and compassionate person that you are, I’m sure there will be another time when you see a neighbor who looks like they are struggling, and you will want to help them. The best way to continue on your path of being a “good villager” is to get to know them first. Maybe that neighbor who doesn’t have a car anymore doesn’t need a ride, they need a friend to talk to. Maybe that family down the street whose roof is leaking doesn’t need a tarp, they need a home-cooked meal.  Maybe the student across the way doesn’t need new school supplies, they need a winter coat. The best way to help your community (and get help in return) is to build trust so that when you ask “How can I help?” they feel comfortable telling you honestly what they need. 

Need some suggestions for how to get to know your neighbors? Check out advice from readers on building community in your neighborhood here.

Your actions show that you care about your neighbor and her family. Great job getting started! Now, I have a challenge for you—try again with your neighbor. Start small by inviting her over for a cup of tea or lemonade, set up a playdate with your kids, or plan to go for a walk together. Get to know her, and then, mom-to-mom, ask what kind of support she’d like. You’re on your way to building a beautiful village!

In Admiration, 

Grace