I have severe social anxiety. How do I make friends?

Dear Grace,

How does someone with social anxiety go about meeting people and making friends? People scare me. I can’t do big groups. I don’t drink. I hate sitting in front of my tablet and seeing what everyone else is doing, it just makes me feel even more lonely. I want to make some friends who I can talk to and do things with. I’m poor so going for more than coffee is out, but hey being invited means at least I was thought about. I still check on people I haven’t seen in years but no one ever checks on me. I feel as though I don’t exist unless someone needs or wants something. So how do I make friends?

– All Alone in Ohio

Dear All Alone,

My heart hurts reading your question and hearing that you feel so alone and disconnected. We all go through ups and downs, and it sounds like you’re in a real slump, my friend. 

Even though I know it doesn’t feel this way, you aren’t alone in your loneliness, your anxiety, or feeling like you’re missing out on what everyone else seems to be enjoying. So many Americans are struggling with anxiety and isolation, that experts are even talking about it as an epidemic. 

While I can’t wave a magic wand and appear on your front porch with a pick-me-up latte, I do have some advice to help you out:

Put down the tablet. We all know how bad it feels to sit at home and feel like the rest of the world is having fun without us. The reality is, All Alone, that what we see on social media usually isn’t the whole story. Instead of letting your FOMO (fear of missing out) grow, put the tablet down and give yourself a detox from social media. Studies show that our use of social media can impact our happiness, sleep, and self esteem, so consider limiting your scroll each day. It may be a hard habit to break, but future-you will be grateful. 

Honor your feelings. I have a sneaking suspicion that you tend to prioritize other people and their feelings over your own. It’s wonderful that people in your life turn to you for support, but not when it comes at the expense of your own wellbeing. Reading your question, I hear sadness, frustration, and maybe some resentment for how much you give to others and how little you feel you get back. Your feelings are important and you deserve the chance to process them. There is no “right way” to work through them, so find something that works for you, whether that’s journaling, meditation, or talking to a therapist (even if you don’t have insurance, there are options!). 

Set mini goals. When the life we want feels too far from the one we’re currently living, it can seem almost impossible to achieve. So instead of setting a life-changing goal for yourself (by the way, this is why new year’s resolutions rarely work), set some mini goals that you can work toward. Think about what feels doable in the next month or two and write them down for yourself. Not sure where to start? Here are some ideas:

• Talk to three new people
• Go to two community events
• Get coffee with a new friend

Find your people (and places). Building up your social life is all about finding the people and places that make you feel comfortable and valued. One great way to find that perfect social circle is to join clubs that interest you. Groups that meet regularly give you a schedule of events (makes it easier to plan your outings) and are usually relatively small gatherings with a built-in activity or topic of conversation (goodbye, awkwardness). 

Book clubs, creative writing groups, knitting circles, movie buffs, language learners, bird watchers – there are so many groups out there just waiting to be discovered. You can find lots of them on Facebook or by calling around to your local community center (YMCA, churches, etc.). 

You may feel low right now, All Alone, but I think this is the beginning of an upswing. I know your people are out there. Sending all my love, 

<3 Grace