I take care of everyone, but who takes care of me?

Dear Grace,

This might not be a question as much as it is a rant. I’m a single mom of three kids, working full-time as a nurse. My parents also live with us, and help in small ways–for example, they receive disability checks that help cover some of their medications and needs–but they’re both disabled and chronically ill, and can’t provide regular childcare. I am feeling the full weight of working 40+ hours a week in a job that is really emotionally and physically exhausting (I’m on my feet for 8 hours a day) while also caring for my kids and my parents as best I can. Luckily, the kids’ daycare is great, but I pay a hefty price for child care services (about the same as my mortgage per child). My ex-husband is only available to take the kids for small windows due to his military service which often takes him overseas for long stretches of time, so he isn’t really an option in terms of helping out. He sends child support, but it barely covers one child’s monthly daycare expenses. I feel like I could snap at any moment. Grace, do you have any suggestions of how to lighten my load?

– Overwhelmed in Ohio

Dear Overwhelmed,

Sometimes there isn’t just one word to describe a feeling or experience. Your situation, for example, feels overwhelming, frustrating, stressful, and even outrageous (I could go on, but I’m preaching to the choir). And of course you feel this way—you’re carrying the weight of your entire family.

If it helps, there are so many people in similar situations out there, and I’m hoping that other community members will read your words and feel less alone. More than 20% of kids in America live in a single parent household. That means there are millions of other single parents like you doing (and paying for) the heavy lifting.

Go ahead and let that sink in for a minute. 

And now, let’s join hands and scream in unison. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m serious. Go ahead and scream (into a pillow if you don’t want to scare the kids). While screaming won’t cure your chronic stress, there’s nothing wrong with releasing some pent-up tension. So let it OUT and then read on for some longer-term suggestions:

Build your team. As tough and resilient as us moms are, no woman is an island. Reach out to friends and family, even if you haven’t spoken in awhile, just like you reached out to me. Invite friends over now and then for a low-lift (potluck?) dinner, or have some playdates in the yard so you and a mom friend can chill and have a hot or cool beverage together. Taking care of yourself is a necessity, not a luxury. Make a plan to have each other’s backs like sharing carpool duty or being an extra emergency contact while you are at work.

Hack your budget. Make a list of all the cash coming in each month, then list out all your essential expenses. Look at what’s leftover and set half of it aside for savings and half for nonessential spending. We all know that making a budget is a worthless exercise if you aren’t able to stick to it, so here are my tips for making it work:

• Pro Tip 1: See what you might be able to save on bills. Apply to lower your internet bill through the government’s new Affordable Connectivity Program. Other bill negotiating services like BillCutterz and BillShark negotiate to lower your bills and then split the savings with you. 
• Pro Tip 2: Pay yourself first. Set the portion of money you’re going to save to auto-transfer to a savings account as soon as you get paid. FYI, all savings accounts aren’t created equal. Open a high yield savings account to earn interest on your $$$.
• Pro Tip 3: Set your paychecks to direct deposit. This will save time for you and make your money available sooner.
• Pro Tip 4: Set bills to autopay so you avoid any late fees.

VOTE. For the love of all that is good, get out there and vote for officials who support the things that are important to you. Each election is a chance to tell our government what we need. Remember, your problems are their problems, so don’t be shy—tell them what needs fixing.

I won’t pretend this is easy. Your story reminds me of how much raising a child takes a village. You’re already doing so much (and likely doing a darn good job at it), so remember to give yourself grace. I am so looking forward to a day when all this weight doesn’t fall on your shoulders and more moms like you get the support they need—you deserve it.

With love,

Grace <3