I think I’m in an abusive relationship. Should I finally walk away?

Dear Grace,

I’m 45 years old and my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We are completely different people from when we first got together. I used to be so much more independent – I had a job and friends. He made me get rid of my job and my friends (because he didn’t like them) so now I live with him and have nothing. He is mean, controlling and disrespectful to me. I feel that I’ve hit my breaking point. Should I finally walk away?

– At The End of My Rope, East Rutherford

Dear At The End of My Rope,

I just want to start by saying I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I definitely understand why you’re at the end of your rope. You’re describing what seems like a dangerous situation that isn’t likely to improve. It sounds like you may already know the answer to your question of whether to leave. Let’s talk about how you could find support no matter what you choose. 

As I read your question, I checked the National Domestic Hotline’s warning signs of abusive behavior and your boyfriend is ticking too many of the boxes. The way he is treating you is NOT okay. Let’s call this what it is: abuse. You deserve a partner that celebrates and supports your independence, career, and friendships. True love is rooted in respect, not control.

It sounds like the “completely different” person you were at the beginning of this relationship 5 years ago is someone you miss. She is still within you! Getting your independence back will help you feel more like yourself again. So let’s talk about steps you can take for your safety.

Reach out to friends for support. You shouldn’t have to navigate this alone. Even if it’s been weeks or months since you’ve spoken, reach out to a trusted friend or coworker to catch up and tell them you’ve been struggling. Although it can feel scary to talk about your private romantic relationship with people you haven’t seen in a while, odds are, some of them have been in your shoes (or know someone who has). But regardless of their personal experience with abuse, they love and care about you. I bet they don’t want you to struggle with this alone.

• Pro Tip: If someone you know reaches out to you about their abusive relationship, it can be hard to know what to say. Here are some tried and true ways to help. 

Know your rights. Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t a mountain you have to climb on your own, East Rutherford. Each state has laws in place that are designed to offer protections to people and families dealing with abuse—for example, housing protections, taking leave from work, and your personal well-being. You can look up the options for people in New Jersey (and all over the country) right here. Regardless of what he might say or threaten to keep you around, know that laws and support services exist to give you options.

Make a plan for your safety. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard and can be dangerous, so take a few minutes to make a safety plan with this interactive tool. Your safety plan will help you identify what to pack in a “go bag,” people in your life you can trust, public resources you can lean on, and more. This directory includes resources for counseling, legal help, housing, and more.

You are not alone in feeling caught in something toxic—1 in 3 straight American women have experienced domestic abuse at some point in their lives. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s okay. You deserve a love that cherishes your light, instead of trying to dull it. I believe a kinder love is in the cards for you someday, but right now focus on being kind to yourself by finding resources and support.

Stay safe, 

Grace