I want to be a mom, but I need to process my past. How do I get closure?
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Dear Grace,
I’m 29 years old and ready to become a mom. But thinking about getting pregnant has brought up some feelings about the abortion I had as a teenager. I knew then (and still feel) that it was the right decision for me. In the last 10 years I’ve grown into the kind of grounded, responsible person who can be a good parent, which my teenage self was definitely not. Even though I’m at peace with my decision, I have always felt judged by the people in my life who know. I’m worried that all their judgment will come back in full force when I get pregnant and they think of “what could have been.” I really want to deal with all of this before moving forward so that I don’t bring any negativity with me into pregnancy. How do I find closure?
– Judged in Janesville
Dear Judged,
Thank you so much for writing to me with your story. Pregnancy and motherhood are both exciting and overwhelming, so I think you’re smart to take time to process this transition now. It can’t have been easy to spend the last 10 years holding on to unresolved feelings and judgements about your choice as a teenager. When and if we each become mothers is such a personal decision that no one deserves to be judged for. It sounds like these feelings are casting a shadow over what should be a happy time in your life, but I have some advice that I hope will help.
Focus on you. You’ve been through something big, Judged. Making such a big decision and dealing with other people’s opinions about it is a lot for your 19-year-old self to handle. It’s completely understandable that you might feel some lingering hurt or sadness, even a decade later. Regardless of how hard we push ourselves to “move on,” our brains (and hearts) need time and attention to heal.
There are lots of ways to approach healing and closure, like seeing a therapist, journaling, meditation, or even talking to a trusted loved one. Counseling has a reputation for being pricey, but it doesn’t have to be. Companies like Better Help and Grow Therapy offer affordable online sessions for people with insurance, and Open Path is a nonprofit that serves people without insurance.
If therapy isn’t something you’re interested in, try this meditation. It guides you through a practice of processing difficult feelings that thousands of people swear by. There is no silver bullet (gosh, I wish there was), so focus on finding something that works for you and stick with it.
Talk to your loved ones. I can completely understand feeling hesitant about sharing your news with loved ones who you felt have judged you in the past. But before you write them off, consider talking to them one on one. You may find that the shame you felt from them wasn’t intentional or that, over the past few years, they’ve had experiences that changed how they see things. As human beings, we’re always evolving, and your loved ones may be more prepared to support you than they were 10 years ago.
Even if you find that they aren’t able to give you the support you need, remember that their choices reflect on them, not on you. One thing I learned when I became a mom is that there will always be people who disagree with or even shame your choices as a parent—no matter what you do. At that point, all you can do is trust your gut and do what’s best for you and your new family.
Make room for joy. You’re about to become a mom, and that is something to celebrate! As you work through your past and prepare for the future, give yourself permission to enjoy this transition and all the excitement you feel. Make room for fun and relaxation in your routine to both enjoy this time and increase your likelihood of getting that positive test result.
The future won’t be without its own bumps in the road, but I am confident that you’ll approach them with the same love and intention that you showed us today. Wishing you so much love and luck as you start your journey to motherhood, you’re going to do great.
<3,
Grace