I’m a new mom and already feel like I’m not enough.

Dear Grace,

I just had my first baby in June and ever since coming home from the hospital, my routine each day feels like running on a hamster wheel. Recently, one of my friends told me that she felt like I forgot about her and that there is no space in my life for anyone but my child. It really hurt my feelings. No one can prepare you for how hard it is to become a mom for the first time, and I feel like I’m constantly being told that I’m doing something wrong. Am I being over sensitive?

– Upset in Urbana

Dear Upset,

I hear you with the baby juggle, and I remember those days well. The early months (and years) of parenting are both exciting and exhausting, in a way that can be hard to understand if you’ve never gone through it. 

All of this is to say–I know the hamster wheel all too well, and get why your friend’s comment would make you feel upset. 

Here’s my advice on how to approach this challenge:

Take stock of how you feel. You asked whether you were being over sensitive, and my answer is no. Your sensitivity to your friend’s comment (and any other comments that make you feel like you’re not enough) is normal, especially as an exhausted new mom just learning to manage all this change. 

It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of stress and pressure to do things “right.” Remember, Upset, that there is no single right way to parent, and that none of us (despite what social media mom-fluencers might suggest) are perfect. While caring for everyone else, it’s easy to go a while without checking in on yourself and how you’re feeling. Give yourself a few minutes of quiet to tune in and take stock. What do you need? Are you missing your friendships too?

Talk to your friend. Though she may not have phrased it well, your friend clearly misses you and all the time you used to spend together. It’s hard to watch our friends go through seasons of life that we can’t relate to, and I can understand that this transition might be hard for her. Find time to sit down and talk about how you’re both feeling. Friendships, like people, change over time, whether we like it or not. Instead of trying to go back to the way things were, embrace this change by figuring out how to stay close as your precious free time shrinks.  Consider asking your friend to go for a walk and talk (put that baby in the stroller, get some exercise in, and remember what it feels like to talk to another grown up.) If your friend is feeling a little jealous about losing you to mommyhood, maybe try to skip the (fascinating to us) baby milestones and ask her how SHE is. 

Recognize that you are enough. You’re being pulled in so many different directions, Upset, and that’s hard to manage. Between unsolicited advice, quips about your parenting choices, or even comments like your friend’s, it can sometimes feel like you, and all us moms, are always doing something wrong. 

Let’s take a moment to burst that bubble–being a great mom is about showing up as best you can, and modeling the self love and compassion that you want your child to embody someday. Give yourself some grace, you are enough.  

I hope this helps, cheers to many more years of friendship!

<3, 

Grace