I’m finally sober, but will my relationship with my mom ever recover?

Dear Grace,

My mom and I haven’t talked in months. I’m not taking it very well and I miss her tons. Not only was she there to help me a lot financially but I considered her my best friend. In the past I’ve made some horrible mistakes like stealing from her, due to addiction but I’m not doing that anymore. She says she forgives me but she brings it up all the time. How do I start fresh with her so we can leave the past behind us?

– (Not) Forgiven in Fort Worth

Dear (Not) Forgiven in Fort Worth,

First, I’d like to extend a warm hug and a ‘congratulations!’ for kicking your dependency to the curb.

I know addiction is a personal battle, but it’s not one that you’re taking on alone. 21 million Americans struggle with addiction, which means there are millions more people like your mom that are figuring out how to support the people they love in their recovery.

Every time she mentions the past, Not Forgiven, I know it cuts deep. But forgiveness, like recovery, is a  process. Your recovery is a wonderful step forward on your long road, but just because you’re out of the woods, doesn’t mean she is.  

Your mom needs time to heal. Just like you have good and bad days, so does she. I totally get wanting to start fresh, especially after all you’ve been through. So show her every single day that you’re committed to a new path, no matter how bumpy that road might get. I know you’ll be great at this, Fort Worth, because you’re already here and trying. But here’s a little something extra to help you move forward together:

Instead of asking her to forget, ask her to rebuild with you. Let your mom into your world. Give her a chance to celebrate each step of your recovery with you. Whether it’s a sobriety milestone, a really meaningful AA meeting, or a positive moment with your sponsor, share these wins with her so she’s not just on the sidelines of your journey but a part of it. The best way to replace negative memories is by creating  positive ones and over time, those negative memories might just begin to fade into the background.

Attend Al-Anon Meetings Together: Al-Anon provides a supportive environment for families and friends of alcoholics and addicts to share their feelings, and, most importantly, to really listen. By going together, you’ll have the opportunity to hear from people who’ve been in your shoes, share, and listen to how you are feeling. She may find that these groups give her the acceptance and support she needs to process her own hurt. If group settings aren’t her thing, consider recommending that she talk to a therapist to help her work through her feelings. You know as well as anyone that recovery is hard and takes time, so let her go at her own pace. 

Give yourself some grace.  As I read through your letter, I wondered: how much are you still holding on to the past? Your mom’s forgiveness is important, but so is your own. Instead of letting your mom’s healing journey push you into negative self-talk, give past-you some grace. You’ve taken amazing strides to get to this moment in your sobriety journey and should be proud of yourself. I know I am.  

Remember, trust is not a switch that you can simply turn on. It’s fragile and needs time, and the right conditions to be strong again. Every time you show up, every time you’re honest, every time you hold her hand and let her see the person you’re becoming, you’re taking the steps to regain her trust. 

Hold on to hope, Forgiven in Fort Worth. Today’s a new day. Your journey isn’t just about leaving the past behind, but starting a new chapter. Put the progress you’ve already made in bullet points under a list of “Reasons I Know I Can Do This” and move forward.

With so much compassion,

Grace