I’m going through a breakup after getting sober. How do I forgive myself and move on?

Dear Grace,

I am struggling with a recent breakup that honestly feels more like a limb removal. We were together for 10-15 years on and off. There was a lot of trauma and immaturity on both sides. I will say I know I made it worse with some decisions I made when I was falling into addiction. 

Now I’m sober and healing, and as part of that healing, I ended this relationship. He was the man I thought I would marry and have a family with, so now I’m left trying to figure out who I am without him. I’m trying to stay positive to move forward in this beautiful life that God has blessed me with. Any advice?

– Trying To Move On and Heal, West Palm Beach

Dear Trying To Move On and Heal,

First off—I want to say how proud I am of you. Getting sober is not easy. It takes guts to admit you have a problem and even more strength to do something about it. Many of us have loved someone who struggled with addiction—or have been there ourselves. You are not alone. And just by writing this letter, it’s clear you are already doing the hard work of healing.

Heartbreak is one of the most difficult things we go through. When you love someone and picture a future with them, letting go can feel like losing a part of yourself. I hope this advice helps you take the next step forward:

Be honest about the past, and forgive yourself.

You mentioned some things you regret from when you were using. That’s something many people in recovery go through. Your past doesn’t need to define who you are now. You had a disease that hurt you and those around you. You may have made bad choices in the past, but you’re making better ones now, and that is what matters. If you don’t feel safe talking to your ex, try writing him a letter you don’t send. Say what’s on your heart. Let yourself feel the weight of it, and then remind yourself: you are changing. You can own up to the ways you have hurt yourself and others, choose to do better, and forgive yourself.

Your sobriety comes first.

Breaking up is hard for everyone—but it can be even harder when you’re also in recovery. Many people find that once they are in recovery, they can more clearly see which relationships serve them and which ones don’t. You’re not alone in ending a relationship in order to focus on your sobriety. And it’s normal to feel lonely, sad, or unsure of yourself.  But I want you to know that you are strong enough to stay sober through this. If you’re part of a recovery group like AA, NA, or SMART Recovery, keep going to your meetings. If you’re working with a counselor, don’t stop. If you feel like you might use again, reach out for help (this hotline can help). The pain you’re feeling now will pass with time, but your recovery needs to stay steady. Staying sober is the best gift you can give yourself right now.

Don’t go through this alone.

You thought this man was going to be your husband, your partner for life. It’s going to take time to grieve that. Be gentle with yourself. There is no rush. Let yourself feel sad when the feelings come, and lean on other people in recovery when you need support. If there’s a local support group in your area, show up. If there’s an online meeting you can join, try it. These are the people who understand what you’re going through, and they want to help you stay strong.

So many members of our community know what it feels like to be in your shoes…so as a reminder to you and all the women reading this: Addiction is an illness that needs healing, not punishment—by yourself or anyone else. Keep choosing recovery. Keep being honest. Keep leaning on others who’ve walked this road too. I know it hurts now, but I promise—heartbreak doesn’t last forever. You’re doing the right thing, and I’m so proud of you.

With compassion,

Grace