Despite my rocky childhood, I’m ready to heal my relationship with my parents. What’s the best way to start?

Dear Grace,

I have been going to trauma-focused therapy for my childhood and it has really been helping. I’m learning in therapy that two things can be true: my parents raised us when they were just teenagers themselves and they did the best with the tools they had AND it wasn’t a great childhood. I’m hoping for a closer relationship with them moving forward, especially now as a mom who wants her child to know his grandparents and for them to be a safe place for him to go. How do I talk to my parents about my mental health journey? How do I mend our relationship?

– Anxious but Hopeful, Atlanta

Dear Anxious,

How wonderful that you had the courage to start therapy and found so much healing in it! I’m so happy that you’re feeling at peace with yourself enough to reopen a relationship with your parents—for you, for them, and for your son. 

As I can tell you already know, starting a new chapter together will start with catching up on what your journey has been and where it’s taken you. Here are some tips to do so while also protecting your newfound well-being. 

Extend the olive branch.

Making big changes starts with small steps. Whether you haven’t spoken in years or just feel like you’ve drifted apart, start with a phone call or text message. Let your parents know you’d like to have a relationship with them and mend things. The first step towards repair, or some closure, is having a conversation. I can hear in your question that you have empathy for your parents as well as respect for yourself and your healing. Both of those qualities will serve you well on this journey.

Get on the same team.

Now that you’re a mom and your parents are grands, you all have a brand new, bouncing common goal: your son’s well-being. I’ve seen in my own family how supporting kids (and their parents, by extension) can help soothe tense dynamics and remind everyone that we’re on the same team. You said your parents were just teenagers when they had you. . .it’s possible that they have done some growing up since then and will be able to show up for your son in a way they couldn’t for you. This may bring up some icky feelings for you, like disappointment, grief, or even jealousy. Know that your feelings are a normal part of this process (just like theirs are) and on the other side of them is a beautiful relationship between your son and his grands.

Be clear about your boundaries.

Once again, this is for both you and your son. As a parent, we all have at least one “Hard No” for our kids, and it’s usually a safety concern. As an adult child, you may find you have a Hard No or two with your parents, too. That’s just as valid. Whatever the guardrails are for you and your son as you move into this new chapter, be sure to communicate them clearly to your parents so that there is no confusion. You are entering uncharted waters together and figuring out this new dynamic will require grace, patience, and understanding from all of you. Be firm but kind with your boundaries, and your parents may surprise you with how much they have grown since you were a child.

I mentioned modeling behavior for your parents, but I also love that you’re modeling some really important behavior for your son, too. You’re raising him to be a compassionate person who has the confidence to set boundaries and the maturity to work through differences. He’s a lucky kid! 

With love and admiration, 

Grace