It’s my husband’s first Christmas with my family. How do I make sure it goes smoothly?

Dear Grace,

I just got married this year and it’s my husband’s first time spending Christmas with my family. He’s lived in the United States for a few years now but his whole family lives back in their home country and he doesn’t have a ton of experience with American holiday celebrations. My parents have been more or less welcoming to him, but I’ve caught them sometimes rolling their eyes or seeming annoyed when he doesn’t understand something. They are hosting everyone for Christmas—which is our tradition—and I want my husband’s first official Christmas with his in-laws to be special and fun for everyone. Do you have any advice?

– Anxiously Planning in Akron

Dear Anxiously Planning,

You are not alone in feeling stressed about your husband and parents getting along. Welcome to married life, Anxiously Planning! We all know that families are complicated, but there is a special kind of complexity when it comes to inviting someone new to the party—no matter where they’re from.

As an experienced host of family gatherings myself, I bet your parents want everyone (including your husband) to leave the Christmas party with full bellies and full hearts. If I were in your husband’s shoes, I can only imagine the flurry of feelings I might have: homesickness, eagerness to truly become part of your family, and probably a healthy desire for acceptance. So how can you help this holiday blending of cultures and family go smoothly? Here are some ideas to get you started:

Get him excited!

Something that always calms my nerves is knowing what to expect—and joining your partner’s family holiday celebration for the first time can be a bit nerve-wracking. . .no matter where you’re from! To calm your husband’s (relatable) anxiety,  have a conversation with him in advance to explain your family traditions, where they come from, what kind of food you’ll eat, and what you are most excited about! This is a beautiful opportunity for you to share your favorite holiday memories and culture while also preparing him so he doesn’t feel confused.

Learn a little about his cultural traditions.

One way you can make your husband feel welcome and at home is by meeting him halfway. Whether he celebrates Christmas in his home country or not, most cultures around the world have some kind of holiday around this time of year. Ask him whether there is a meal, tradition, or celebration that you all can enjoy together. All relationships require balance. You’re asking him to learn your customs and you’re likely hoping that he loves them as much as you do, so be sure you are doing the same for his culture. Learning to love and appreciate your unique cultural backgrounds is such a beautiful part of your (still brand new) marriage! 

• Pro Tip: Find out if there is a community of other folks from his country or region in your area! See if the two of you can connect with a Facebook group, community center, or group of neighbors who share his traditions.

Talk to your parents.

People like to feel needed and part of a team, so ask your parents directly for help with making your husband feel welcome. I wonder if part of the reason you’ve seen your parents acting funny around your husband is because they aren’t sure how to relate to him? Coming to a new country and living far from your family is hard, Anxiously Planning, and being around your family for the holidays may be a bittersweet reminder of how far he is from his own. Teach your parents what you’ve learned about your husband’s culture, share any similarities you’ve noticed between how your husband celebrates and how your parents celebrate,  and give them some tips on how to find common ground with him.  Your parents and your husband are family for life, and it’s normal for family holidays to get messy and for adjustment to be slow. The best way to move the needle is one conversation at a time, so they can begin to love him as much as you do.

Start a new tradition.

I’m sure your husband is excited to participate in your family’s traditions. But families are living things and with each new person added, the whole unit grows and changes. Create a new tradition with your husband and parents to celebrate this new chapter of your family history. Welcome the change! Adding a new tradition doesn’t take away from your existing ones and is one way that you can make him feel like a true part of the family, rather than just your plus one. 

• Pro Tip: Holiday traditions don’t have to be elaborate in order to be fun! Check out this list of some quirky ways some families celebrate and see if it inspires you.

The holidays are such a special time to reflect on what you’re grateful for, spend quality time with your loved ones, and celebrate the end of the year. I can tell how important this holiday season is to you, Anxiously Planning, and I’m sure with a few conversations and a dash of creativity, it will be the most memorable yet.

Happy Holidays,

Grace