I’ve finally reconciled with my sister after 7 years. How do I get the rest of my family to move on?

Dear Grace,

I’ve just reconciled with my sister after a 7 year separation. I invited her to my son’s wedding. Our brother and his wife (who she has not reconciled with) will also be there. She has decided not to come because she thinks her presence will prompt my brother into making a scene. When I spoke to him, he offered to stay home if our sister was going to come. Now neither of them are willing to make a plan because they’re dead set on avoiding each other. How do I get them to grow up?

– UGH, move ON! In Eugene

Dear Move On,

I’m going to get to your question, but I don’t want to bury the headline here: You reconciled with your sister! Congratulations! It takes a lot of maturity and personal awareness to patch things up with a loved one, especially after so much time has passed. 

As anyone who has been in your shoes knows, rifts in relationships can really weigh on us. And now that your weight has lifted, it’s only natural that you would want the same for the rest of the family. Here are some ideas to help everyone get there—in their own time.

Let go of the timing. Healing is a lot like giving birth: It’s going to happen when it happens. It took you and your sister seven years to reconcile, so you know as well as anyone that it can’t be rushed. It’s understandable to want everyone to experience the relief you’re feeling—and to be able to put it all behind you in time for a major family event—but they may need longer to find their way back into each other’s good graces, and that’s okay. Remember that life is long; all relationships go through their ups and downs and your siblings are on their own personal journey, too.

Keep the focus on your son. The day is about the happy couple and it’s important for everyone involved to remember that. It’s thoughtful of you to try to include your sister, but if your siblings don’t feel they can put differences aside for the day, it’s probably for the best if they don’t both attend. Trying to force a reconciliation, especially when the parties aren’t ready, will only distract you from celebrating your son and his fiancé and could potentially lead to a situation that derails their special day. Instead of brokering a peace deal around the seating arrangements, leave the guest list decisions to your son. It’s best to take on one role that day: supportive mother of the groom!

Don’t push, gently nudge! As a mom, you know that constantly pushing someone to do something only makes them dig their heels in more. Instead of continuing to tell them to reconcile, try to leave it alone for a bit. Make your conversations about all the other things going on in your lives, and allow mentions of the other sibling to happen naturally. When they do, find nice things to say about them, reminding your sister or brother of the other’s positive qualities. For instance, you might mention that your brother gave a really thoughtful wedding gift to your son, or how your sister volunteered to help put away tables after the reception. Giving them the chance to remember what they love about each other is a gentle way you can encourage them to put the past behind them.

You and your family have a lot to celebrate right now: Your son is getting married and you and your sister are speaking. Don’t let your pursuit of perfection get in the way of enjoying your progress. You’ll be there when everyone else is ready, but now it’s time to be there for yourself and your son.

With love,

Grace