My ex is sending me mixed signals. Is there hope—or is it time to move on?
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Dear Grace,
How do you get over a love who has broken up with you but who still keeps in touch? The mixed signals are driving me crazy. Any advice?
– Looking for Closure
Dear Looking For Closure,
It can be really hard to find closure when one person is leaving the door open. If I’m reading this correctly, it’s your ex who did the breaking up—but is also the one still reaching out and not giving you the space you need to move on. Those are some pretty mixed signals, to be sure. Breakups are hard enough, and the last thing you need is all that uncertainty and (possibly) false hope.
It’s possible to (one day) be friends with your ex, but only if A) you both want to be friends, and B) you have had the time to seek full and healthy closure from that romantic chapter. Here are some suggestions to help you figure out what is right for you, and how to get there:
Be direct. It’s hard to know exactly what your ex is looking for by continuing to reach out. Do they want to be friends? Are they feeling conflicted about your breakup? Are they still figuring out what they want? You deserve a clear and honest answer about their intentions so you can decide how best you should move forward. As my grandmother used to say, it’s time for them to p*ss or get off the pot. Find time for a phone call—or send a text if talking on the phone feels overwhelming—and ask them to clarify the mixed signals they’re sending. Then, tell them what you need. Keep it simple. You don’t owe them any reasons or long explanations. It might sound something like, “Now that we’re not together anymore, I really need some space before being friends. Please respect that, at least for now, I don’t want to talk or hang out.”
Protect your peace. Beyond asking your ex to give you space, you can’t control how they behave. Fortunately, we live in an age where technology gives us the tools to take action and protect our own peace of mind. If your ex continues to text and call, most phones have a setting so you can silence all incoming calls and messages from a specific person. You could also set a different ringtone for them, so you know when to not answer the phone. I also have friends who have great success replacing exes’ names in their address books with “Do Not Answer.” If that’s not enough to stop their calling from crashing your calm, consider blocking their number. You can always unblock it down the road, after you’ve gotten the break you need.
Focus on what makes you feel good. It sounds like this relationship has already taken up more than enough of your time and emotional energy. Now that you’ve set a clear boundary with your ex, this can be a great time to reconnect with the activities and non-romantic relationships that bring you joy. Spending that energy on yourself can be a great way to remember all of the ways you find happiness and fulfillment outside of a relationship.
Letting go of love can be tough, but you clearly have the strength to know when something has to change so you can (both) move on. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you too. I’m excited for what awaits you in your beautiful future!
On to better things,
Grace
