My family keeps asking when we’re having kids. How can I answer without crying?

Dear Grace,

I’m dreading my family’s get-together for the holidays. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the past two years and I recently miscarried my first pregnancy. I’m physically okay, but he and I are both still shaken from the loss. The thing that is stressing me out the most is all the questions I know I’ll get from my family (a few aunts, in particular) about when we’re having kids or why we aren’t pregnant yet. I really don’t want to talk about my miscarriage or fertility at the dinner table, but I also don’t know if I can keep my mouth shut and just nod along at this point. How can I get through this holiday without blowing up at someone or bursting into tears?

– On The Brink Of Tears, Ohio

Dear On The Brink,

I am so sorry for your loss. I’m deeply grateful that you are (at least physically) okay and that you were able to get the healthcare you needed. No one should have to go through that kind of loss alone—or worry about even getting access to the doctors that can help them. Unfortunately, doctors are restricted in a number of states in their ability to help patients who are experiencing miscarriages. (Readers, see what kind of support is available in your state here.) This kind of situation can truly become one of life and death, so I’m thankful that you’re recovering after going through something so emotionally, physically, and medically intense.   

I’m also sorry that you’re dealing with fertility challenges. Although it comes from a place of love and excitement for your future, questions from family members about your biological clock can feel like salt in the wound, and we both know you don’t need that right now. Here are some ideas to help you get through this holiday season with dry eyes:

Get a buddy. Your husband is your built-in buddy in any situation life throws at you, but consider talking to your mom, a sister, or a cousin that you trust and sharing your concerns. Let them know to keep an ear out for invasive questions so that they can run interference–either by changing the subject, jumping into the conversation themselves, or pulling you away (“hey, can you come help me in the kitchen for a sec?”). They can be a strong first line of defense to keep those (however well-intentioned) insensitive questions to a minimum. 

Practice your response in the mirror. While I hope that your buddies can keep you from having to respond to any wayward comments or questions, if your family is as persistent as mine, it’s a good idea to prepare for one or two to slip through the cracks. Take a deep breath and pick a line that you can memorize (trying to respond ad-lib in the moment can be hard!) in response to their questions. It might sound something like “You know, that’s really not something I want to talk about right now.” or “When there is something for you to know, you’ll know.” Say your prepared response calmly and then change the subject to keep your dear auntie from diving into follow-up questions… ”I heard you went on a trip this summer, tell me about it!”

It’s okay to be upset. I know that crying in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner isn’t on anyone’s bucket list, but after what you’ve been through, a few tears are more than understandable. You and your husband are on a challenging journey and, having my own fertility journey behind me now, I can say that I understand some of what you’re feeling. There is no shame in struggling with it, or even in miscarriage itself. Your family is asking about your family planning because they love you. If you get choked up talking about it, they’ll have an opportunity to love and support you in a new way. 

• Pro Tip: Even if you haven’t been in this reader’s shoes, you probably know someone who has. Check out these tips for how to support someone going through pregnancy loss, and equally importantly—what not to say. 

Even though I’m sure you’ve heard this from your doctor already, let me just say that miscarriage is not a personal failure or the end of your journey to parenthood. Around 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, but somehow we still never really talk about it. If you haven’t yet, consider reaching out to a support group. Being open about your experience with other women who get it can help you process and let go of any stigma you might be feeling. 

Millions of women go through the same pain you’re experiencing now, On The Brink, and end up with beautiful, healthy families down the road. You and your husband deserve the freedom and space to create (and talk about) your family in the way that is right for you. I’m sending you all my love and best wishes for a quiet holiday and for the family that I’m sure you’ll have someday soon. 

With a big holiday hug,

Grace