My friend is burnt out at work. Should I tell her to quit or just be supportive?
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Dear Grace,
One of my best friends is a teacher at the high school we both went to. When she started a few years ago, our whole group of friends went in with her to decorate her classroom and reminisce. I still help out when I can by buying stuff for her class, but I’m starting to worry about her. I hardly see her anymore because she runs after school activities and basically works from 7am-7pm, not to mention the money she spends to stock her classroom. We all know that teachers are overworked and underpaid, but seeing it up close feels different. I want to be a supportive friend but I feel like her work has taken over her life and it’s not healthy. I feel like I need to say something, but am I stomping on her dream by telling her to leave teaching?
– Missing my friend in Mundys Corner
Dear Missing,
I sincerely feel for you and your friend. Teachers are the backbone of a healthy community, but asking them to take on so much hardly seems healthy or fair. I can hear how much you care about and miss your friend, who is clearly struggling to stay above water right now. Your question gets to the heart of the challenges of friendship in adulthood—figuring out how to support each other as we make our own decisions and choose unique paths in life. Regardless of her decisions about her own career, your friend is lucky to have you.
Here’s my advice:
Show some tough love. There’s no denying it’s hard to watch a friend struggle. How and whether you give advice, however, depends on your friend and your relationship. Are you the kind of friends who tend to speak up when something seems off? Or have you taken a more “you do you” approach to each other’s choices?
Whether you call it honesty or tough love, hearing unsolicited advice, even with the best of intentions, can be hard and requires a lot of trust. If you don’t have that kind of relationship with her, I would caution against jumping into the deep end with advice on her career.
That doesn’t mean, however, that you can’t share your concern for her wellbeing. Rather than framing it as “I think you should leave teaching,” tell her why you’re worried about her—all the pressure, long hours, and financial burden she’s facing. These are enough to stress anyone out, and regardless of how she feels about teaching in general, she’ll appreciate how much you care.
Support her. Ask your friend how you can support her, and come ready with some ideas in case she’s uncertain. Can you make a few freezer lasagnas she can dig into after a long day on her feet? Plan a weekly phone call to check in and get out of school-mode? Drop off a value pack of pencil sharpeners? Help her figure out what would fill her cup and go for it.
Join her team. You said it—teachers are overworked and underpaid. Between the early morning bus duty, all day on her feet, and after school activities, it’s amazing that your friend even has time to eat, much less socialize. Teachers provide such important guidance to young people, but we can’t expect them to do it all. Consider getting involved to support your friend and her students by showing up for school board meetings, volunteering, or donating to affordable after school programs to help take child care off of teachers’ plates.
In the meantime, Missing, keep looking out for your friend.
<3 Grace