My friends are making plans without me—and I’m feeling hurt. What can I do to get past this?
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Dear Grace,
I became good friends with an old classmate about 5 years ago. Her and her husband and me and my husband have been doing a lot of things together, like going out to eat, going to concerts and just hanging out. During this time, we met another couple and asked them to come along with us to go out to dinner, concerts, etc. But now my friend who was my classmate has been doing things with our mutual new friend and lying about it to me. I know it is her business and she can do whatever she wants, but to lie about it is hurtful.
I always made sure I asked our new friend to do things with us and never excluded her. I have explained to my friend about it and she apologized but continues to leave me out of their plans (and then I find out about it in awkward ways!). Should I take a hint and ditch them? I am sure if I had done the same thing to them, they would have been upset. Any suggestions?
– Left Out in Louisville
Dear Left Out,
No matter how old we are, feeling left out never gets any easier. It can be difficult to make new relationships in adulthood—and to meet two friends who also have husbands who get along with yours? That’s like the Holy Grail of friendships. Unfortunately, I imagine it also made the recent shift in dynamics that much more painful.
From the tone of your letter, I sense that while you’re hurt, you’re also ready to move forward in a healthy way, and I applaud you for that. Here are a few suggestions that I hope bring you peace with this situation.
Focus on your (re)actions. It sounds like you already have this step under control, but for anyone else out with a similar dilemma, my first piece of advice is to focus on what you can control: you. You’ve done all you can to understand your friend’s sudden change in behavior and share how it makes you feel. You can’t control what she does with that information, only what you do moving forward. You’re a good friend, Left Out, and you deserve friends who recognize that.
Reach out to your new friend. Keep in mind, the third party in this trio may not even be aware that you’re feeling excluded. What about giving her a call or a text to say that you want to catch up over a coffee or dinner? If it comes up naturally or feels like a good time, you could bring up your feelings. You might say, “I miss seeing you both, but understand that people need one-on-one time.” Or, you could just focus on having a good time with your friend and building your own relationship outside of the threesome you were part of. Just because your former classmate’s attitude has changed, doesn’t mean you have to lose out on another friendship.
Remember, you can go your own way. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your school friend is continuing the same behavior even though she knows you find it hurtful. If a relationship isn’t making you feel good, you don’t have to spend any additional energy on it. It’s your decision—and yours alone—to make, Left Out. Don’t look at it like “ditching them” but “focusing on you,” and the activities and people that make you feel appreciated and happy.
Life is short and I have no doubt that there are other people in your life who are eager to spend time with you. While making friends as an adult is hard (you’re definitely not the only one to write in about it), you clearly have a knack for making people feel comfortable and accepted, which is what any friendship is built on. Take those wonderful qualities and share them with people who give you those same warm and positive vibes in return.
With love and support,
Grace