My high-risk pregnancy is over—but I’m still not 100%. How can I feel like myself again?

Dear Grace,

I just had a baby and I’m really struggling. I thought I was going to finally feel like myself again after a really hard pregnancy but I feel even worse. Why does having a baby cause depression?

– Struggling in South Carolina

Dear Struggling,

Oh, friend, I wish I was with you right now to give you that Mama Bear-sized hug we all need sometimes. I would tell you that it’s not just you; this happens to lots of women after having a baby. It might not feel like it yet, but you’re doing a great job moving forward just by taking that first step: Recognizing that you’re not okay. 

Here are some next steps to get the support you need and deserve:

Do some research. Postpartum depression (PPD) is a real medical condition (not just a case of the baby blues!), and there are proven support systems to help you through it. The three months after you have your baby are often referred to as “the fourth trimester.” Your baby is growing and developing but so are you: It takes time for your body and brain to adjust to the hormone shifts and physical changes, and it’s not easy to do that while parenting 24/7. I know you’re exhausted, but take a moment to learn a little about PPD and understand what you’re experiencing. Because depression (postpartum or otherwise) is a pretty invisible condition, those of us dealing with it start to wonder if it’s real, or if it’s our fault. Learning about it can help remind you that you’re not doing anything wrong and that, with time and the right help, you can get through this. 

Talk to your doctor. You deserve to get real help and your doctor can provide it. If your next doctor’s appointment is still weeks away, consider calling and scheduling something sooner. In some cases, she might recommend therapy or even medication to help regulate your mood and alleviate symptoms of depression. Your doctor can answer your questions and discuss the benefits and any potential risks associated with medication during breastfeeding, so that together you can find the best possible situation for you. 

Reach out to your village. It’s not uncommon for new moms to feel pushed aside after the baby comes—suddenly your bundle of joy is the center of attention, meanwhile, you’re still reeling. Your friends and family want to support you, but they may not know how or worry about accidentally overstepping their bounds. Don’t be afraid to reach out with what you need and how they can help. You could ask a friend to come over and help with chores so that you can actually sleep when your baby does, run a few errands for you, or just sit with the baby so you can shower. Even having an adult conversation that doesn’t revolve around your baby can feel like a breath of fresh air and remind you that you’re still a person outside of being a mom. The important thing is to recognize what would make this easier for you and to remember, that the people in your life love you and want to see you well—so let them help!

• Pro Tip: If you don’t feel comfortable talking about postpartum struggles with people in your life, consider getting involved with an online support group. Connecting with other parents who know how you feel can be a great source of peace and healing. 

Lastly, being a mom is a wonderful journey, and I’m so thrilled you’re on it! It’s also the beginning of often putting ourselves last, even when it’s to our own detriment. I promise you, Struggling, you will be a better mom for your kids if you allow yourself the grace to be kind to yourself and take care of your own needs. 

With love and compassion,

Grace