My husband says I “made a scene” at the grocery store, but I disagree. Am I wrong?

Dear Grace,

My problem is, that it’s very hard for me to watch or hear others be unkind and manipulative to others and stand and watch. I am filled with anger and I can’t be a part of it. 

Last week my husband and I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up a couple of things. When we were in line, I noticed that the customer in front of me was struggling because she couldn’t understand the grocery store clerk’s question about being a loyalty member. The customer clearly didn’t speak English very well and the clerk was downright rude about it, raising her voice and mocking her. I spoke up and after arguing with the clerk, the manager came over to apologize to the customer. The customer thanked me and went on her way but my husband didn’t talk to me all night because he was embarrassed I ‘made a scene’ for ‘no reason.’

I know I shouldn’t care what other people think, and in ways I don’t, but I don’t want to embarrass myself or anyone else. I feel like I did the right thing by standing up for that woman, but did I go about it the wrong way? Should I apologize to my husband? In the future, should I keep following my gut even if it annoys my husband? Or am I just stirring the pot?

– Not Sure in Knoxville

Dear Not Sure,

Let me start by saying that I believe you did the right thing standing up for that woman. We all deserve to be treated with respect and afforded just a little patience, no matter our background, income, or what language we speak. True kindness is a choice, and not always an easy one. 

Sometimes doing the right thing has a cost, and it sounds like in this situation, the cost was your husband being in a bad mood for the rest of the night. Being brave enough to speak up for someone else means you might be perceived as difficult, or face some eye-rolls. At the end of the day, you need to trust that the good you are doing is worth the cost of ruffling some feathers.

Here is my advice for how to handle situations like this in the future:

Trust your gut.

You may not realize how impactful your voice was–not just in this person’s day, but in their life. Learning a new language is hard—it’s disorienting to feel like you don’t understand what’s going on and nerve-wracking to make a mistake, especially knowing you’ve got an audience! When you saw the situation going sideways, you listened to your gut and took action—that’s all that any of us can ask of each other. Keep trusting that inner voice! You put a stop to the bullying and the customer thanked you for standing up for her, I call that a win!

• Pro Tip: If you’re feeling torn about whether or not to intervene, ask the person who is struggling if they are okay or need help. Even if they wave you off, checking in on someone is always a kind gesture.

Your example matters.

Your husband may be peeved for now, but know that he isn’t the only one who witnessed your act of courage and kindness. The clerk, manager, and other shoppers may think twice now if they ever find themselves in your shoes or have the chance to speak up for someone who is struggling. You reminded your community that being unkind or making fun of someone’s difference is NOT acceptable and just made it a warmer, safer place for anyone who is different, or just having a tough time. That is something to be proud of!

• Pro Tip: For readers who want to learn more about how to stand up for a neighbor or community member who is being harassed, Right To Be has free classes to teach you how to stand up to hate or harassment in the moment.

Let your husband’s feelings be.

All you can control is you and the way that you choose to show up in the world. Not everyone deals with conflict well, Not Sure, and it sounds like your husband might be among those of us who could use some extra practice. Managing tough situations is a skill that we can build like any other. Even though he may not have enjoyed it, seeing a tense situation through to a solution is one small reminder that “conflict” does not equal “crisis.” At the end of the day, he is in charge of how he behaves and feels, so don’t let his discomfort point you away from your own moral compass.    

We need more people like you in the world, Not Sure. You showed a newer member of your community that she belonged, gave the rude clerk a reality check, and got your weekly shopping done, all in one outing! I hope you keep standing up for dignity and respect. The world is made better with a little more kindness from strangers. 

Grateful for you, 

Grace