My husband wants to move but my kids refuse. How do I figure out what’s best for my family?

Dear Grace,

My husband wants to move to another state but my kids don’t want to change schools. I have two in college, one in middle school and two who are in high school. They love their schools and their friends and have told us both loud and clear that they don’t want to move. My husband keeps insisting though, how can I help mediate between them all? Change is hard enough without constantly fighting about it.

– Placating in Pennsylvania

Dear Placating,

I want to commend you on making everyone in your family feel heard and supported. What comes through in your letter is how much you love them all and want to respect their feelings and do what’s best for them. In a family of seven, that is no easy feat, and it’s clear you’re the one they all lean on and look to. 

But I also understand how stressful it is to see the people you love at odds over such a big decision. Whatever the outcome, not everyone will be happy—at least not right away. Here’s some guidance to help you navigate the tricky road ahead: 

Get clear on what you want. I admire that you want your loved ones happy, but I found myself asking: do you want to move? Before you try to negotiate between your husband and your kids, you need to be clear on where you stand on the issue and why. Is this move for financial reasons? Will it bring you closer to family? What work or friends are you leaving behind, and how does that impact you? Being able to present your own feelings—whether for or against—may help both parties see the other side more positively and more readily accept whatever the final decision is. 

Huddle with your husband. Knowing how unhappy your children are feeling about the move, your husband must feel a compelling reason for still wanting to go through with it. A frank conversation with just the two of you may help him get to the root of his feelings and whether or not a move is the best solution. Are there unknown or unspoken factors that are pushing your husband to do this: fear of a changing industry in which he works, a feeling of isolation, or a desire to do something new? Talking it through will help you both decide if this is the correct next step, or if there are solutions you can access in your (current) home. If you decide to move forward with the plan, you’ll need to be on the same page when you talk to your kids so that you can clearly support each other.

Leave room for your kids. If you end up deciding to move, this will impact the kids’ lives and as you said yourself, Placating, change is hard. Now that you and your husband are on the same page, you can share the news and your reasons for why moving will be good for all of you, but also allow your kids time and space to be upset. Take the time to listen to them and, when they’re ready, get them involved in some of the choices ahead. Consider making a pros and cons list together so that you can problem solve around their concerns and get them involved in the moving process. You could show them pictures of your new home so each kid can pick their room, ask them to research extracurricular activities in their new community, or brainstorm some goodbye activities they can do with their friends, and ways to keep in touch after. Giving them a role in the move will give them a sense of control over the change and something to look forward to in your new home. 

Doing what’s best isn’t always what’s easiest, but I know you have the love and support for your family to see all of you through to the other side. 

With love and admiration,

Grace