My MIL is driving me out of my house. HELP!

Dear Grace,

I am in a 3-way relationship: it’s me, my mother in law, and my partner. My mother in law moved into our home with us. She’s controlling and has taken over every aspect of our home. I’m at my wits end. I have opened up my home and my heart but somehow it’s not good enough and I’m met with criticism and entitlement. I’ve thought about moving out and letting them take over my lease but I love my partner and don’t want to lose them. I don’t know what to do, what’s your advice?

– Losing it in Lakewood

Dear Losing It, 

I can feel your exasperation just reading your question—what a dilemma! I feel like I could write a whole book on the ins and outs of living with in-laws, but today I’ll settle for answering your question with a few of my own:

Question 1: What was your relationship with your partner like before your MIL moved in? 

It sounds like since she began living with you, everything has turned upside down, which has me wondering how things have changed in your relationship. Do you feel like your partner’s priorities have shifted to focus on their mother? Are they reverting back to acting like a teenager now that “mom” is home? I can imagine that they’re acting differently and might not even be aware of it. If that’s the case, it’s high time you talk with them about how you’re feeling. 

Question 2: How did we get here? 

I’m curious what brought this move on in the first place—who made the decision? Is this supposed to be temporary or is she a permanent roommate? If she moved in without your permission or has overstayed her welcome, this is a case of setting and maintaining your boundaries, with support from your partner. On the other hand, if this was a decision you made together and she’s planning to stay indefinitely, you need to figure out what changes you need to make in order to find peace. 

Regardless of how you answered my questions, Losing It, I have some advice that I think will help:

Talk to your partner. In a relationship, each person has to be responsible for their relatives. It’s great if you can be open and honest directly with your MIL, but as her child, it’s up to your partner to support you and sort this mess out. I hear how much you care about them, but remember that the longer you bottle up your feelings, the more feelings of resentment will grow. Tell your partner how you feel and what you need so that you can come up with a solution that works together. 

Get out of the house. It’s nearly impossible to think clearly when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, and upset. Since your home isn’t a good sanctuary for you right now, make a plan to go stay with a friend or family member for a night or two to get some space. Spending some time on your own will help you find your peace so that you can approach the situation at home with care. 

Families are complicated, Losing It, and navigating relationships with in-laws can be difficult. Living together as one big happy family isn’t always easy but I’m sending love and hope that you all can find your way there!

Grace