My sister won’t take her anxiety medication. How do I help her help herself?

Dear Grace,

How do I get my sibling help if she is refusing to take anxiety medication, and the anxiety is getting worse. We both lost our grandmother and mom just a month apart and she lost her dad also right before that, so I know she’s overwhelmed with grief. I’m worried that she’s not taking care of herself,  how do I help?

– Big Sister in Birmingham

Dear Big Sister,

First of all, I want to offer you my heartfelt condolences about all the loss your family is experiencing right now. Any one of these would be significant, but to have so many close together is not only re-traumatizing—it doesn’t allow either of you the space you need to grieve each individual loss.

I sense a strong bond and a lot of love between you and your sister, and that gives me confidence that you can get through this together. Here are some thoughts to help you both process your grief and help your sister get the support she needs:

Offer support, not instructions. It’s excruciating to watch a loved one suffer, especially when we think the solution is right there. Unfortunately, we can’t make others do what we think is best, and sometimes what seems obvious to us isn’t the right choice for them. Try to approach it from a place of compassionate curiosity and make sure she knows she has your support regardless of the answers. Ask her why she’s gone off her medication, and keep in mind that it might be more complicated than you realize. It can be dangerous to stop a medication too quickly, so ask her if she’s checked in with a physician to get some guidance on the best way to do it. Being there to listen and support her, no matter her choice, will be more effective than holding your line that she immediately starts her medication again. It may just put your mind at rest, too.

Grieve together. I can’t help but notice how focused you are on your sister, while still grieving multiple losses yourself. While you may not process your grief in the same way, giving yourselves a chance to mourn together could be healing for the both of you. Think about what would help you in your grieving process and invite her along. This might be going to a therapy appointment together, looking through old pictures, or celebrating your departed family members with a trip to a favorite restaurant or destination. Plus, this could allow her a chance to be there for you, instead of feeling you fuss over her. Even in our darkest moments, it can feel grounding to be needed, and—as you know—provide relief from our own spiral of grief.

Get help when you need it. Grief can be a dark hole, and sometimes it’s hard to find our way out of it. Since your sister has been through so much and isn’t taking care of herself the way she used to, a grief group or individual therapist may be helpful for her right now. It’s also important that you know what the warning signs are for self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you have concerns, don’t hesitate to get help. You can call or text 988 to talk to suicide prevention specialists. And if you’re ever worried she is in immediate danger, call 911 right away.

Grief is a natural part of a full, loving life, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’m sending you both all my love and well wishes as you process this together, and even though times might feel dark now, just remember that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

With love,

Grace