They haven’t spoken in years. How do I extend the olive branch?

Dear Grace,

I have a tough situation to deal with.  My daughter in law and my granddaughter have had a serious falling out over a ridiculous issue and haven’t spoken in several years now.  My granddaughter has since married and is now a new mom.  The rest of the family feel it’s time to reunite them but honestly have no idea of how to do this without making it worse.  Help please from those that have successfully done this.  Thank you all,

– Extending the olive branch in Earlville

Dear Extending The Olive Branch, 

Thank you so much for your question, I hear from so many women struggling to rebuild bridges with loved ones. Whether you’re the one extending the olive branch or you’re on the receiving end, healing after being cut off for so long often gets harder before it gets easier.

When I’m struggling with something hard, sometimes the most impactful thing is just knowing that I’m not alone in it. You’re not alone, Extending: Here are some other write-in’s from readers who are hoping to rebuild relationships in their lives:

Dear Grace, 

I am stuck with my middle child.  I feel like he turned on me once he got to the age of 18 years old. We fought a lot and we have both said some ugly things to each other. At this point, we aren’t speaking and he says he doesn’t want to be in our lives anymore. I really want to turn things around but I worry he won’t listen to me. What should I do?   

– Miserable in Memphis

Dear Grace, 

My son (only child of mine) cut me out of his life recently and that means he’s cut off all means of communication with the grandkids too. Is there anything I can do? That one is really hard for me. I stood up to him trying to show him how disrespectful he was to me. He didn’t like it. I feel like I’m stuck. How can we move forward?

– Grandma in Gainesville

No matter how you each got here, there’s something that connects all three of your stories: a reason and desire to reconnect and move forward. If you have put distance between yourself and someone who has caused you harm, there is no reason to try to mend that fence unless you truly want to. If that’s your situation, reader, remember to put your safety first. 

That said, here’s my advice for you, Extending:

Test the waters. If they’ve gone so long without talking, bringing the subject up might put either of them on the defensive. Instead of jumping straight in, start to mention your DIL in conversations with your granddaughter and vice versa. Hopefully their reaction will give you a sense of how they’re feeling and if they’re willing to try and work things out. This rings true for anyone who wants to intervene and help loved ones reconnect—start small and keep your expectations low at first. Whether it’s true pain or pride that has kept people apart, it might take a while for them to accept the idea that there is a path forward for them at all. 

Share your feelings. Start with the family member you feel closer to and sit down for a conversation about how you’re feeling. Whether as a new mom or a new grandmother, both of these women are experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime change and it would be a shame to miss out because of a stalemate. Don’t dwell on what originally drove them apart—the future they can share together is more important than the fight that started this mess. Figuring out who ‘started it’ or who to blame for your current situation will only encourage both parties to dig in their heels. 

Get on the same page with the whole family. I can imagine that you all have gotten used to dealing with this feud over the last few years, and might even make plans to accommodate it—splitting holidays, planning family events so that your DIL and granddaughter don’t have to see each other, etc. It’s time to leave that behind. You can share with your DIL and granddaughter that you’ll be making this change and that they are both welcome any time, but bringing everyone together is the most you can do. They say you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Go ahead and lead, Extending. 

There’s no easy way or set of magic words that can heal what is clearly a pretty deep wound, but I believe that restoring a broken relationship is worth the work. Best of luck!

Grace