My husband says he can stop drinking any time, but I don’t believe him. Where do we go from here?

Dear Grace,

My husband of 33 years has always been a good provider for me and our sons even though he’s always had a drinking problem and “occasional” drug use. We all know someone like this who ALWAYS says, “I can stop anytime” without getting the proper help. Now that the boys are grown-up and we have grandkids, old habits are still going on with hubby. Recently he had a health scare and discovered that he has severe health issues but yet still old habits continue. I have talked to him until I was “blue in the face “about this but yet he still says it’s not a problem since he thinks he can stop anytime.  I’m not one to draw my own conclusions about anyone BUT I’m guessing now that he doesn’t want to stop. And now because of the health issue, the doctors have restricted him from doing the kind of work that he’s always done, he’s angry and upset and yet his old habits continue but with very loud outbursts. 

I’ve really had ENOUGH!!! Just asking for a little “advice” before I walk away because right now I don’t see any other way!

– Lost in Louisiana

Dear Lost,

As you mentioned, most of us do know someone like your husband, so plenty of us (myself included) understand how heartbreaking it is to watch a loved one struggle to manage their health. I also know how easy it is to blame ourselves or wonder if we’re over-reacting. So, before I offer any advice, I want to tell you that I see your strength and you’re not alone. 

I can hear how intolerable this situation has become for you and I want to help you get some peace and resolution for yourself. Here are some first steps to take.

Know your truth. My heart goes out to you, Lost, for how long you’ve had to live with what sounds like your husband’s unhealthy relationship with alcohol and drugs. And as a fellow mom, I’m guessing you put keeping the peace for your sons ahead of your own comfort all these years. While I wish you didn’t have to choose between your well-being and your children, I hope that the fact that they’re now grown will give you a chance to honor your own feelings and needs. You probably already know that addiction is a disease, not just a matter of “deciding” to quit, which is the first step to understanding and supporting the addicts in our lives. At the same time, your husband is still an adult who is responsible for his behavior, and for getting the help he needs. Treating you poorly or having angry outbursts at home is not okay. You can love him and still say a strong, “No!” to being a verbal punching bag when he’s had too many.

Connect with Al-Anon. There are millions of Americans who struggle with addiction, which means that there are millions of families struggling right alongside them. Al-Anon is a wonderful support network for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. Connect with some groups in your area or online. There, you can find a community of people who’ve been exactly where you are – and can offer you empathy as well as great resources and advice through this next chapter. 

If you need more immediate help, call this national helpline (1-800-662-HELP) to talk with an expert. They also have some great resources online for addicts and loved ones.

Set boundaries with your husband. As I mentioned, you can love him and at the same time set a clear boundary to stop him from being rude or unkind to you. You might say, “You know I love you, but if you speak to me this way, I not only can’t help you, I can’t be around you.” Try to come up with some plans for how you might remove yourself from the situation when things get volatile. Maybe you can go for a walk or coffee, see a friend or family member, or even just seek solace in another part of the house with a book or movie. Setting the boundary – and then removing yourself from the drama –  will protect you from getting caught up in his unhealthy behavior and hopefully show him that you’re serious about this boundary. 

Addiction and substance abuse are painful for both the user and for their loved ones. I know my advice might feel like a baby step, but recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Take things one day at a time, hold on to your truth and your boundaries, and know that you’re moving in a healthier, happier direction. 

With love,

Grace