Why can’t my husband admit when I’m right?

Dear Grace,

My husband ignores every piece of advice/idea that I share with him. He even does the opposite! Then when I’m eventually right about something, he won’t admit that it was my idea to begin with, he just takes credit for it himself. Is he so insecure that he can’t entertain that I had a good idea? What are your thoughts on this?

– Frustrated in Philly

Dear Frustrated,

Well, now I’m frustrated, too! 

So the first bit of good news is this: you are not alone.

Now, before another word is said  (or written!) I want you to know this in your bones: your 👏 feelings 👏are 👏 valid – not to mention, your ideas!

I hear the frustration and can understand why you’re upset. But your frustration isn’t just about him taking credit for the expert way you packed the cooler or figured out how to save money on Wi-Fi. It’s about validation and feeling seen. We want our partners, more than anyone, to show us that they appreciate our ideas and respect what we have to say.

So let’s get to the heart of it:

Feel your feelings. Before you can take any steps to move forward, give yourself permission to feel the force of your frustration. I know it might sound like strange advice, but so often as women, we force ourselves to tamp down our feelings in order to focus on someone else or deal with the situation at hand. It sounds like you’re feeling dismissed, ignored, and maybe a little disrespected. Name those feelings for yourself and you’ll have an easier time talking about them with your husband. 

Talk to your husband. Initiate a conversation where you both can talk about where you’re coming from and what you need. Avoid starting with “you always,” since that is likely to put him on the defensive. Instead, talk about how you feel and what you need from him. You could start with, “When you ignore my advice, I feel sidelined. I want our relationship to feel like a partnership.” Explain how a little recognition makes you feel and ask him to work on it going forward. 

Don’t let this be a one-and-done conversation, Frustrated, changing patterns in our relationships takes practice. Keep communication channels open and reinforce when he considers and appreciates your input with a “thanks for considering my perspective. It means a lot to me.” Sometimes we have to teach others how to love us but first:

Remember your worth. One last thing, Philly: You are not the sum of the acknowledgments you get from him or anyone else. Whether your husband can see it or is simply blinded by his own insecurities, you are resourceful, talented, and valuable. Beyond getting him to appreciate you, ask yourself: how secure are you in the knowledge of your own worth? Remember: you don’t need his or anyone else’s validation to shine. 

We all deserve to have a partner who recognizes our gifts and contributions and makes us feel seen. Definitely talk to him about how you’re feeling but remember, whether he gets the picture or not, his behavior is about him and his issues. At the end of the day, all we can control is our own actions and self-talk. Don’t be afraid to look yourself in the mirror and be your own cheerleader.

With warmth and understanding,

Grace