How do I support my daughter at school without becoming one of THOSE parents?

Dear Grace,

My daughter has autism and just started first grade. The daycares in my area aren’t able to support kids with special needs, so for the last few years, I drove 30 minutes each way to a (expensive) daycare that had at least some of the resources she needed. This will be her first year in public school and I’m really nervous. She is supposed to have an aide with her throughout the day, but I keep hearing from other parents that sometimes kids have to share aides and so the kids end up just sitting around when it’s not their turn. I’m not trying to be a pain in the teacher’s ass, but I want to make sure my daughter can learn and make friends just like all the other kids. I don’t know whether to talk to the teacher, special needs coordinator, or the principal. How do I fill them in and advocate for my kid without being a helicopter mom?  

– Watchful in West Chester

Dear Watchful,

An hour daycare commute on top of supporting a child with autism–this is so much to hold. You’re a supermom, and I salute the efforts that you’ve put into your child, who deserves this kind of attention and care, as all children do. 

Now, your little one is moving onto a new school and there are so many things to juggle – like managing the ins and outs of her Individualized Education Plan (IEP) so that she gets the support she needs to learn and have fun at school. There are definitely some challenges ahead, but the good news is that your daughter is not alone in the slightest. 

There are more than 7 million kids with disabilities in our public school system, all receiving different levels of support so they can participate in class, which makes the learning experience better for all students in the classroom. Still, with a new school year kicking off, of course you’re nervous about your daughter starting school, and you’re right to want to advocate on her behalf. In fact, you are JUST the person for the job. 

Here’s what I recommend.

Unapologetically do your thing. While you don’t need to carry a bull horn around, you absolutely should feel empowered to communicate with her teacher, special education staff, principal – you name it, to make sure that your daughter has the same chance as other kids to thrive at school. Go ahead, Watchful, send the emails, make the calls, set up the appointments. Remember that you are the best advocate and cheerleader your daughter could ask for and own it. 

Build your daughter’s team. When it comes to the care of a child, there’s no such thing as too many helpers. Now that your daughter is starting school, the network of grown ups supporting her is going to get bigger (yay!), so think of her teachers as new teammates. Other members of your team might include past or present caregivers, other members of your family, or another professional, like your daughter’s doctor. If and when you are called in for I.E.P. meetings, you won’t be sitting there alone, you’ll have a team of people who share a common goal, and that’s your daughter’s success. 

If all else fails, hire an advocate. Even after setting yourself up for good teamwork, it can be hard for teachers to juggle the needs of all the students in their classroom. Remember that the teachers and admins are doing their best, but if things get hard, consider adding a special education professional to your team. Advocates aren’t cheap, but they can be game changers for you and your daughter, and some may work on a sliding scale. 

I’d love to live in a world where families don’t have to pinch pennies and jump through hoops to afford the help their child needs. Every kid should get the chance to thrive, no matter how much their parents make. Until then, Watchful, if you need help, maybe your relatives or family members can contribute to covering these fees. 

Your question and even all your worries are proof that you’re thinking ahead and doing all you can to be the best mom to your little girl. Keep up the great work!

<3 Grace